First steps...

Yep, there were first steps this week, but no, they weren't the babies. (Although the twins did have some very important "firsts" last week...they went to their first Cubs game with Jay and I, and they got their first real food, if you want to count rice cereal as "real food!")

No, I mean first steps in my journey to seek grace, forgiveness, health. I don't know that I can really put a finger on it, but somewhere along the line, I finally decided that I needed to find these things for myself. I have been so wrapped up in penance that I forgot that penance doesn't matter. I could spend a lifetime trying to make up for my mistakes and choices and never move a single step forward. I finally think I am beginning to grasp the idea that I need to go where it counts, in the soul that God gave me, and that is where healing is going to happen. It is never going to happen in these earthly relationships, or these worldly movements to prove myself worthy...as a mother, a daughter, a friend, a partner.

Sure, I need to make peace in these areas, and commit to earning trust again where trust needs to be re-earned, but I cannot expect that there will be a magic moment of forgiveness that will make anything different. I cannot pretend that I can change the past, or that it would even matter if I could.

What I need is to learn to GIVE grace, to GRANT forgiveness, to SEEK health. There are relationships in my life, very important ones, that I feel are worth rescuing, and in order to get there, I am going to have to get to the dirty stuff in me...give myself grace, forgiveness, healthy choices. I will not give up on me, on love, on my kids. There is love, and grace, for sure...

My babies...

Smiley Kylie and Smilin' Rylan!

Victory! As I have learned, it is tricky to get one baby to smile on camera, but getting two at the same time...well, it finally happened today (not once, but twice!) However, the photo itself was not the highlight of my day. Showing to my other 3 kids, and seeing how much they loved it truly was! They are all so good with the babies, and love them so much, it fills my heart to overflowing when I see how excited they are just to make them smile! (Of course, after they saw it, Denver announced that even though we wanted to, we probably shouldn't eat them for dinner, because then we would not be able to take more smiley pictures of them. We then determined that Isaiah is too squishy, he won't be good, Maya is too sweet, so she won't be good, and Denver is too scrawny, so he wouldn't be good. That left only yours truly, but I bargained with them...safe for another day! Yes!)

Love is...

I Will Never Be The Same

Wow. Two years. Back then, I never would have thought it possible to live every day with this sort of ache, but as my big brother pointed out, it turns out, you can survive with a giant hole in your heart.

This morning, I sat down and read some more of Laurie's journals. One, in particular grabbed my heart. A small green journal she started in 2003, with a very specific audience in mind. She wrote it for her future husband, though she had no idea who he would be. For each entry, she would cut out a "Love is..." comic from the Chicago Sun-Times, and write about it, intending to give it to the man she would marry. It simply broke my heart. So much optimism and hope, and love on those pages, but it turns out, in the end, they are now just words written in a small green journal.

I love you, Laurie. I miss you profoundly, and your life and death wraps around my heart every day. I wish I could show you my babies, and let you teach Denver how to burp. I wish you could help Maya put lipstick on, and laugh when Isaiah winks at you and says "hey dollface." I wish you could cry with me right now, and help me get through my broken heart. I wish you could tell me it will be alright...

I wish I could have told you that it would be alright. I wish I could have told you that everything would change, and you would be better. I wish I could have told you that there is such thing as heaven and hell, and we might catch glimpses of them here on earth, and that is part of it all.

I wish I could tell you that having babies hurts, and tivo is awesome, and seriously, The Office is that funny. I wish I could braid your hair, and hear about your friday night, and show you the Cubs car seat covers I made. I wish we could prank call Mom, throw an "I love you" party for Kristin, and eat velveeta straight out of the box. I wish we could play "heart and soul" on the piano together, make heart-shaped meatloaf and other soul-food, and pray diligently for each other's heart and soul. I wish I could hear what you wish...

This is what love is. Love is...cherishing our memories. Love is...choosing not to let you go. Love is...carrying you everywhere I go. Love is... knowing I will never be the same.

For your amusement...some before and after photos! The first two were taken 2 months ago, the other two are current! Yikes!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Mom,
Well so far, we've had a day of laughter, and I hope it continues to delight you! (Because once you have had someone come at your nose with pliers and a sharpie, there is nowhere to go but up!) Seriously, happy birthday to one heck of an amazing woman! I love you! You are beautiful!

Me and Laur, June 1984 

Maya and Kylie...two of the most beautiful girls one could ever lay eyes on. 

I have a plank in my eye...

There is a sizable plank in my eye, and do you know what word is engraved on it? Gossip.

I was talking with a friend of mine today, and it was great fun. We caught up on some details of each other's lives, reminisced about old times, and slowly but surely, the old "did you hear about so-and-so?" stuff started. After a few minutes, though, my friend stopped midsentence. She had just started to say something about a common friend, and how we should pray for her, and suddenly, there was silence on the other end. She then told me that we needed to talk about something else, because this was going down a nasty path...Gossip. She has been working on that particular plank-in-the-eye within herself, and it got me to thinking...do I gossip too much? I found this in an old InterVarsity book of mine, and it put things into a bright light for me:

"'Of all the gossiping,' John Wesley once said, 'religious gossiping is the worst. It adds hypocrisy to uncharitableness and effectually does the work of the devil in the name of the Lord.'

Wesley's judgment of gossip, though severe, simply echoes the biblical one. The Apostle Paul feared the power of gossip to destroy the Church (2 Corinthians 12:20), and he didn't hesitate to list gossips right alongside God-haters, murderers, and others who deserved death for their wickedness (Romans 1:29-32).

Yet even though the Bible's condemnation of the habit is plain, gossip tends to be a perennial sin in Christian small groups. Why is this so? The problem seems to crop up, of course, whenever folks get together for any reason. But the close relationships, intimate atmosphere, and abundant conversation of small groups provide an especially fertile ground for discussion of those who aren't present. Add to that setting the typical excuse of "Christian concern," and you have the potential to kill the atmosphere of trust in a group and hurt someone deeply. "

It seems to me that gossip is a slippery slope, and I want to work on getting to some solid ground.

Thanks, Stacey, for giving me that kick in the pants. Love you!

The birthday boy! 

Sleepy... 

Hey look, it's a doodle! 

Happy Birthday, Isaiah! 

Last call...

Howdy, everybody. This is going to be a pretty brief post, so don't get all excited. We've had a long day at Tommy's company picnic (which was great fun, even though the Cafe Ba Ba Reeba softball team lost in the first round. He had fun coaching, though, and the kids and I enjoyed watching them play!) The kids are all tucked into bed (not that it means anything...they'll be out a million more times before they actually sleep) and Tommy and I are going to watch a movie and relax. Overall, though, I just wanted to let y'all know that things are going really well. Many prayers are being answered, but please don't stop now!

Anyhow, what I did want to say is that I am changing my cell phone number, but it is somewhat of a bigger deal than just that. The number that I am changing it to is Laurie's old number, as I will be taking over her line. My parents have continued paying for it since she died, but we all sorta felt it was time to let go of that aspect, and since I was planning to cancel my line, it just felt right. What this means to the average joe, however, is that her voicemail will be replaced by my own in a few days, so I wanted to let all her friends and family that might read this blog know, and give y'all a chance to hear her voice and call her phone one last time. (oh, and for the record, my stepdad was able to record it, so we do have it for posterity.) So, if you'd like to, go ahead and call, I won't answer for a few more days (my old phone is active for a few more, if you actually need to speak to me!) I'm sure you understand, I'd prefer not to post my phone number up here for privacy's sake, but if don't still have it, you can email me or my mom, and we can pass it along. (nursekatie1@hotmail.com is my address)

Hope y'all are well, and please know that we pray just as much for our "prayer team" as you have for us!