I have a plank in my eye...

There is a sizable plank in my eye, and do you know what word is engraved on it? Gossip.

I was talking with a friend of mine today, and it was great fun. We caught up on some details of each other's lives, reminisced about old times, and slowly but surely, the old "did you hear about so-and-so?" stuff started. After a few minutes, though, my friend stopped midsentence. She had just started to say something about a common friend, and how we should pray for her, and suddenly, there was silence on the other end. She then told me that we needed to talk about something else, because this was going down a nasty path...Gossip. She has been working on that particular plank-in-the-eye within herself, and it got me to thinking...do I gossip too much? I found this in an old InterVarsity book of mine, and it put things into a bright light for me:

"'Of all the gossiping,' John Wesley once said, 'religious gossiping is the worst. It adds hypocrisy to uncharitableness and effectually does the work of the devil in the name of the Lord.'

Wesley's judgment of gossip, though severe, simply echoes the biblical one. The Apostle Paul feared the power of gossip to destroy the Church (2 Corinthians 12:20), and he didn't hesitate to list gossips right alongside God-haters, murderers, and others who deserved death for their wickedness (Romans 1:29-32).

Yet even though the Bible's condemnation of the habit is plain, gossip tends to be a perennial sin in Christian small groups. Why is this so? The problem seems to crop up, of course, whenever folks get together for any reason. But the close relationships, intimate atmosphere, and abundant conversation of small groups provide an especially fertile ground for discussion of those who aren't present. Add to that setting the typical excuse of "Christian concern," and you have the potential to kill the atmosphere of trust in a group and hurt someone deeply. "

It seems to me that gossip is a slippery slope, and I want to work on getting to some solid ground.

Thanks, Stacey, for giving me that kick in the pants. Love you!

The birthday boy! 

Sleepy... 

Hey look, it's a doodle! 

Happy Birthday, Isaiah! 

Last call...

Howdy, everybody. This is going to be a pretty brief post, so don't get all excited. We've had a long day at Tommy's company picnic (which was great fun, even though the Cafe Ba Ba Reeba softball team lost in the first round. He had fun coaching, though, and the kids and I enjoyed watching them play!) The kids are all tucked into bed (not that it means anything...they'll be out a million more times before they actually sleep) and Tommy and I are going to watch a movie and relax. Overall, though, I just wanted to let y'all know that things are going really well. Many prayers are being answered, but please don't stop now!

Anyhow, what I did want to say is that I am changing my cell phone number, but it is somewhat of a bigger deal than just that. The number that I am changing it to is Laurie's old number, as I will be taking over her line. My parents have continued paying for it since she died, but we all sorta felt it was time to let go of that aspect, and since I was planning to cancel my line, it just felt right. What this means to the average joe, however, is that her voicemail will be replaced by my own in a few days, so I wanted to let all her friends and family that might read this blog know, and give y'all a chance to hear her voice and call her phone one last time. (oh, and for the record, my stepdad was able to record it, so we do have it for posterity.) So, if you'd like to, go ahead and call, I won't answer for a few more days (my old phone is active for a few more, if you actually need to speak to me!) I'm sure you understand, I'd prefer not to post my phone number up here for privacy's sake, but if don't still have it, you can email me or my mom, and we can pass it along. (nursekatie1@hotmail.com is my address)

Hope y'all are well, and please know that we pray just as much for our "prayer team" as you have for us!

Today (otherwise known as the History of my Future.)

Where do I start this story?

I moved home again with my family a few weeks ago, but to explain where I've been means going back so far.

In March I found myself in a psychiatric hospital, but to explain how I got there means going back even farther.

• December, when I decided I didn't want this life, and took off? Further...
• July, when I found myself sinking into the worst depression of my life? Further...
• March of last year, when my sister committed suicide? Further...
• Age 21, when I started dating Tommy, and within 6 weeks decided to pack up my infant son and move across the country with him? Further...
• October 1998, when my Dad dropped dead in the driveway? Further...
• Age 19, when I lived with a lesbian drug dealer in a disgusting house filled with juvenile delinquents? Further...
• January 1997, my first suicide attempt? Further...
• May 1996, when I gave my first child up for adoption? Further...
• High school, where I gave my parents hell at every turn? Further...
• Age 5, when my parents divorced? Further...
• September 7, 1978, where I was born in a gush of blood, blue and lifeless? Further...

"I knit you together in your mother's womb." -Psalm 139:13

I guess the relevance isn't where it starts, but where it is going.

All things considered (and there certainly is plenty to consider here, isn't there?) things are going well today. Today.

Today, I said. That is what I am working on. Yep, I've got lots of Yesterdays to think about, but we'll get to that in a bit. Lord knows there are Tomorrows to plan for and look forward to, but thats gonna have to wait until I master the art of Today.

Today I am working on humility, and gratitude. Today I tell you how sorry I am for what I have done to hurt so many, and how grateful I am to feel forgiveness and compassion. Thank you. Yes, you.

In our home...it feels like I can't explain without going back.

Lets try this. Now I know I have bipolar disorder. The diagnosis was made after I narrowly escaped taking my own life, and finally started talking about the ups and downs in my life, my behaviors and choices. Specifically, how Laurie's death had triggered a deep, deep depression, and spiked back up with an equally scary mania. It was that in that, the worst manic episode I pray I'll ever have, that my mental illness took over everything. It wasn't that I went "psychotic" or "crazy" and turned into one of those people talking to themselves in the subway, it was that my brain turned on me while still letting me think I was in control. I started believing that I could have a different life. I started believing that I was a completely different person, and that the lies I was telling were just a part of the new world I was creating for myself. I still made my own choices, I was still Katie, still conscious...just so far removed from my own values, thoughts, and feelings that it was hard to even identify me. Today, I am back to a baseline. I am diligent in making sure that I get my medications stabilized and keep it that way. I am in counseling twice a week, and as truly painful as it is, I am being fervently truthful and brutally humble there. I have attended bipolar support groups, as hard as they are to pull myself to. I am acutely aware of how powerful this illness is, how it has rocked my world almost beyond repair. I am heavily reliant on and desperately grateful for my family, my mother most especially, for the unrelenting support and refusal to give up on me, even when I was far more than willing to throw in the towel on myself.

And so I am in my home, in my bed, safe. Some parts are coming back gloriously. Some parts of my progress are blooming well, and I am able to be proud of them. For example, my role as a mother. I am feeling confident, and capable, and proud of myself for dealing with my doubts. My kids are happy, and I am relishing my chance to step back into this role smoothly. It is an answer to some serious prayer, by me and many others, I'm sure. God has been good to me, very good.

Today. Tonight. I've gone back so far, and I know what I am looking ahead to.

I have sat here at my computer so many times, wanting to express but having no way to get words to form. I thought back to my very first blog post, my very first words typed..."Its not that I don't know how to do this, its just that I don't know how to do this. The typing is easy, it is the words that won't come."

I want to tell you where I've been, and what I've done. I want to tell you what I have seen and thought and said. I want to tell you so much, and I just can't seem to find those words.

What I can tell you is that I am here. I am trying to get out from under myself, and look for life again. I am trying to seek forgiveness, and sort out the thousands of messes I have made. Its hard, and its ugly, and honestly, I don't know how or if I can do it. I guess I am just counting on a God that is bigger than me to guide me through it...

Waiting. Patient. Hopeful. Faithful.

Drive away the cold from this winter soul
and renew your spirit in me
Let the rain fall sweet from your mercy seat
and remind me that you never will forget
to wash away the bitter in the end...

'Cause we all reach for something
don't we?
we do
Live and breathe this one thing
don't we?
we do

I know you're there just beyond this prayer
and I believe you silent as you are
This emptiness is not purposeless
It is only thirst compelling us to drink
Only questions find the answers that we seek

Every atom in me waits- every breath anticipates
Lord if this is what it takes I'll sit right here with you...

undone

It is time to be undone.

I have never claimed to be an angel. In fact, I'll be the first to tell you I am one of the least angelic people God ever made. I have committed egregious sins, told hurtful lies, abandoned my faith and my family. I have come back to God and my loved ones many times, and still walked away many times too. I have used words as daggers, and thrown a few punches. I have been fraudulent, and dishonest.

I have made sickeningly bad mistakes.

Call me every name in the book. Pray for me, hate me, be disturbed and disgusted by me and every decision I have made and will make. Do what you will, but know that your words and judgment and anger do not belong to me.

Whether you admire or despise the things I am doing and the changes I am making, whether you agree or not...It is entirely irrelevant. Even if you don't believe it, it is irrelevant. I am making the choices that I am making. Me. The choices that I believe in...Me.

hmmm...

Dearest Anonymous,

First, I don't speak for everyone, only myself, but I want to let you know that I hear your angst, and I lament with you on many levels. The pain Laurie's death has brought to our family, our friends, and strangers alike has been monumental. However, the issue of forgiveness is a different story altogether from out human anger.

The fact is, God knew the very moment he created Laurie how she would die. He knew, yet she was still so valuable to Him that He gave her the precious gift of life, and free will. He loved her the moment He placed her into our mother's womb, and He loved her the moment she held her breath forever. The love He has for her, and always will, is positively imcomparable to any we might ever have had for her, and as much as it pains us, it is simply NONE of our business.

When she came to Him at the moment of her death, the only thing there was God and Laurie. The words they shared are something we never, ever will know, but there is one thing that I know, simply as a human mother...no sin could my child commit on this earth that would ever cause me to call him invaluable, unloved, unforgivable. And if I am a mere human, just a girl on this earth, who feels this way, how much more must the God of the universe feel for one of His children?

The thing about sin is that, as bad as Laurie's choice of suicide seems to us here on earth, the truth is that you and I have committed sins just as horrific and awful, and 100% shameful to God TODAY. We did it yesterday, and will do it again tomorrow. That is the thing about sin...every single one is equal in the eyes of God. EVERY ONE. The little white lie you told this morning, and the glaring look I gave to someone today. The lustful thought my friend had, and the candy my son took from his sister...each of these are punishable by one thing, and one thing only...eternal death. Hell.

The grace of God. But for the grace of God, we would all be going to hell for what we did today. Laurie, and you, me, my friend, my son...all of us have fallen short of the glory of God, and deserve to suffer, to die, eternally. When God sent His son to die on the cross for our sins (our mistakes, our errors, our wrongs, our lies, our theft, our cruelty...they are all equal) He NEVER said that there were limits. He knew then, He knows now, and He will always know that we are fallen, we are bound for sin. He chose to allow us that chance to come to Him, and be forgiven. He chose to offer us salvation. By His unfailing grace, He said that every sin we could ever think of would be forgivable.

Laurie loved God. She begged for His mercy in her final note. She used her life to be a good and faithful servant to Him, and just as He forgave the many other little sins she committed in her life, He forgave her for taking her own life.

All sin is the same, it is equal, but to the same point, it is also a personal issue. The day I come before God, it will be only myself and Him. The day you come before Him, it will be only you and Him. Honestly, I do not know what He will say to you, or me, or to a gay man, or a murderous woman, or a child who cussed at school. We have but one God, and one life, and ONE audience at that moment. For this time, I will choose to honor what He has placed on my heart for my life, and honor those around me (whether I agree or not) for the mere fact that the faces I see are the faces of God's children.

God's children...each one.

The thing about dying...

Those are the words that have been rattling around in my brain today. The thing about dying is...I actually called a few of my friends who have lost someone, and asked them about it, what they think the thing about dying is.

Dan lost his father a few years back, and he said the thing about dying is that it can't be undone. No matter how hard you desperately wish for another five minutes, for another dance, another hug, another smile, it can't be undone. It is, for this life anyways, a closed book, not a single chapter left to read. He said that when he looks back, he can't help but think of the things he said that he wished he hadn't, and the things he didn't say that he wishes he had.

Chris lost her mother in 1996, and she said the thing about dying is that life still goes on. She told me how it hurts when she thinks about all the things that have happened since then, and that will happen, that her mom didn't get to share. Weddings, and babies, and new jobs, and, well, other deaths. She told me that she is happy her mom isn't in pain anymore, but she is so sad that they don't get to do life together anymore.

Theresa lost her husband last year, and she said the thing about dying is that it is inevitable, but still unimaginable. She told me about her wedding, and how she promised to love him til death, and she meant it but she had no idea that it was only three years away. She said that while we all know in a cognitive sense that we will all perish one day, we are still so taken aback, so destroyed, so surprised when it happens to someone we love.

Dorothy lost her teenaged daughter 8 years ago, and she said the thing about dying is that it changes everything. One day she was a busy mom of four, and the next day, a brutal virus had taken her daughter, and changed the trajectory of their family's lives forever. One day she was picking out a college, and the next day she was picking out a casket. One day she was bright and happy, and the next day she was in a downward spiraling depression. One day she loved God, and the next day she needed God.

Tommy's dad died when he was only 13, and he said that the thing about dying is that whether there is a long, painful illness, or an unexpected end, its a sudden impact with a ripple effect to those left behind. Like the ocean, the tide goes in and out, with ripples left behind somewhere out there. Whether it is a tidal wave, with a giant impact, or a tiny splashing on the shore, behind it are ripples. "Those ripples form and change lives...my life, which changes your life, which changes the next life, and it goes on and on. In the present and for the future...everything has changed course, and can never be the same." He told me that he wonders what kind of man he would have grown into had his father been alive through his adolescence, when he grew into the man he is now. "Would I be the same? Probably not..."

Myself, I think the thing about dying is all of those things, and some more. The thing about dying is that it is permanent. The thing about dying is that I am still here and still going. The thing about dying is that I will still lose more people that I love, and I, too, will die. The thing about dying is that I have a different life now that I have lost. The thing about dying is that my loss has changed me, and those changes will change the people I love, which will change the people they love, and so on...

And the thing about dying is that one day, I will have the answers. One day, I will get to know, see, have the truth, and I will know the thing about dying. The thing about dying is that one day, it will not matter. Today, it is hard, and lonely, and raw, and painful, and broken-hearted, and ugly. But the thing about dying is that one day, when my name gets called, it will not be any of those things for me. It will be a calling home, a celebration with my God, a dance, a party, a true and complete joy. That is the thing about dying...

What do you think is the thing about dying?

Go ahead now, post it as a comment. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just answer exactly as the friends I asked did it...

Finish this sentence for me: The thing about dying is....

Know who I love forty nerdy? Todd Hollandsworth... I thought it would be nice to take a picture to show you all what I do with my free time (all three minutes of it!) I organize my Todd cards. Laugh if you must...

Forty nerdy...

Alright, this will be brief, but I felt like sharing something with y'all that put my heart in a good place today...some words from my little girl, Maya.

We were snuggling on the couch, and she looked at me and said "Mom, I love you forty nerdy." With one eyebrow cocked, and a smile on my face, I simply said "um, what?" She repeated it. "I love you forty nerdy, like the TV commercial." I shrugged, and told her I loved her forty nerdy too, even though I had no idea what she was talking about, or what it meant. About an hour later, we saw the commercial. It is for a diamond company, and is sweet and mush...especially the part where the man tells the woman "I love you for eternity." Ah, forty nerdy. Got it.

Hope y'all have a great day, and know that somebody loves you forty nerdy.

Am I a loser? Perhaps...but a loser who now owns a certified autographed 8x10 glossy of Todd Hollandsworth! (Seriously, why does this make me so stupidly happy?) 

Oops.

I forgot the most important part...the tagging!

Again, I don't know how to do the fancy links, so work with me!

DocAmazing (http://docamazing.blogspot.com/)
Mark (aka pastor guy) (http://akapastorguy.blogspot.com/)
Randi (http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=rlbahnick)
Alison (http://alisonstrobel.blogspot.com/)
Aunt Gail (http://tattooedthoughts.blogspot.com/)

Now get to work!

Lub!

As promised to my darling Anna...

I have been tagged, so I will play along. (oh, and I don't feel like studying for an exam tomorrow...)

20 random tidbits about Katie...

1) I can touch my tongue to my nose (very handy in the winter, during drippy-snot season.)
2) I know 42 words that can be spelled using only the letters in Todd Hollandsworth's name.
3) I have a cool t-shirt collection.
4) I moved into my first house 4 years ago today.
5) I once was "escorted home" by the police after T.P.ing a boy's house (Aah, Josh Eakright!)
6) I bought my husband a $950 DVD. (Funny story...now, anyways!)
7) My favorite pair of shoes (my adidas sambas!) were given to me by my 8th grade boyfriend, and I still wear them almost every day! (Last x-mas, Tommy almost bought me a new pair, but finally just looked at me and said "you're still gonna wear the old ones, aren't you?" Yup!)
8) I carry a baby spoon in my purse, because I have a freakish inability to consume a mixed drink without stirring it constantly. (OCD? Perhaps...but I prefer to call it quirky!)
9) I have a full-ride at school, and this year, it even covered the cost of an iPod! (How that helps me to study better is none of your business... plus I can't think of a good reason. Who cares?!? Free iPod!!!)
10) My brothers call me "Dade" because I once said I wanted to become "an ice cream dade" (whatever that is...)
11) One time while we lived in Oregon, an entire 16 floor building was evacuated because your truly accidentally set off the fire alarm!
12) Because of a man named Ralph, I can sing my ABC's backwards, count to 18 in roman numerals, tell my kids that M-O-M-M-Y needs C-O-F-F-E-E, and feel free to dream aloud about a Cubbie World Series. (Ralph's World, the most creative indie rocker/children's folk music dude in the world. Parents, if you love your children at all, you will check him out.)
13) My friend Jen and I once recorded an original song ("Coche Azul." Oh, and don't ever ask to hear it, because I'd rather eat my own brain than play it for anyone.)
14) 3 of my four babies have birthdays within a two week span.(May 17, May 18, June 3), and my fourth baby's birthday is the day after mine. (Sept 7, Sept 8)
15) Though I very rarely drink soda, when I do, it disgusts my hubby. I like it warm and flat, so I open it the night before, and leave it on the counter so its "ready" the next day.
16) I have a raised birthmark on my left arm that used to pulsate when I breastfed.
17) My next-door neighbor is 102, and was sitting on her porch giving out candy and trinkets to the neighborhood kids today, chatting away and having a grand old time. She's so cool. (Her husband is 98, and when we moved in, we forgot what he said his name was, so we just decided to call him "Ray" amongst ourselves. 3 years later, we finally found out his actual name due to a misdirected piece of mail. It's Ted.)
18) I've always thought I hated tuna salad, but I tried it last week, and it ain't half bad.
19) In high school, I was the girl who wore the absolute craziest stuff (like the "plaid outfit" which consisted of about 8 different kinds of red plaid...pants, shirt, necktie, vest, socks (with my clear shoes!) belt, scrunchie...it was out there!)
20) The first purchase for our home was a garbage disposal...which is still in it's box in the closet as we speak.

Ta da! Have a good one, kids...now go get funky.

later gators,
kater the potater-hater

Simply put, it has been so long.

It has been so long since I have written. I wish I could say it is because I have been too busy having joyous day after day, but it isn't true. Heck, I even wish I could say there has been nothing to write about, no emotion worth putting in words, but that isn't true either.

It has been so long since I have felt real. It has simply been so long since I have been a whole person.

Yesterday, Kristin called me, and if it weren't for caller ID, I wouldn't have known it was her, for all I could hear were tears, an occasional sniffle, a few outright sobs. Immediately, I cried, too. The feeling that flooded into me was one that is hard to explain. It's an old feeling, from when I was just a little kid, 6 or 7 maybe. A feeling of fierce protectiveness, more than merely empathy, the feeling I would get when something made Laurie cry. To hear her cry would squeeze my heart, and make me cry too. It is not that I was upset by what bothered her, I would cry because the sound of her tears broke my big-sister heart. When Kristin cried last night, I felt that same feeling, and it's associations. I cried because I hate hearing my sister cry.

Of course, as we talked, I found plenty of other reasons...

You know how there are those stages of grief? Denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance, I think they are, though perhaps not in that order. I have been told many times that it is okay to skip around, and repeat some stages, and get all haywire. Well I have come to realize that the step I have been hitting recently doesn't quite fit the labels. It isn't really acceptance, though it's close. It's more like "un-denial." It's like I keep being struck by the reality of it all, over and over. Laurie is really dead. My sister is gone. The reason it isn't acceptance is because "acceptance" sounds like it is probably a good thing, a step in a positive direction, and that is just simply not how this feels. It feels worse than it has since March. I feel lower, more broken, more broken-hearted now than I have since she quit living. I feel like it makes even less sense each day, as I get further and further away from the time when I still had her. It simply has been so long...

PS My mom had to dial the phone and make the first appointment for me, but it got the ball rolling...

My baby sister is 21 years old!

My beautiful, wonderful, brilliant, hilarious, charming, kind, AMAZING Kristin...

I cannot believe how you have grown. You blow me away, baby girl, by the woman you have become. I am so proud to have you as my sister, it makes me eyes water and my smile stretch.

I know I told you this last night, but I want to tell you again, because it is 100% truth, every word...

If all, all, all the 21 year old girls in the whole wide world were lined up in a huge single file line, I would start walking, and walking until I found you! Then I'd pick you up, and swing you around, tell you how very much I love, love, love you, and take you home forever.

Happy Birthday, darling Kristin!

I knew I didn't like Drew for a reason!!!

And yet, I am still a good sport. Fine. here is your stupid tag-list. (although it is a bit interesting, if not suprising to see what you are listening to, Drewpie!)

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

1. Don't Phunk With My Heart (Black Eyed Peas)
2. How Could This Happen To Me? (Simple Plan)
3. Held (Natalie Grant)
4. Sweet Child O' Mine (GNR)
5. Sarah (Paul Alan)

And now for the fun part...(by the way, I don't know how to link, so deal!) Y'all are tagged!!!

AnnMarie (http://juaintheam.blogspot.com/)
Debbi D. (http://debdun10.blogspot.com/)
Anna P. (http://ampointyourtoes.blogspot.com/)
Kim (http://bumpyroadsontheway.blogspot.com/)
Mandy (http://pixiethawts.blogspot.com/)

Lub, and lub, and lub!!!