It started off normal enough. I was out in the garden, admiring the tulips, enjoying the sun, listening to my kids happily riding bikes in the front yard. There were (as usual) quite a few weeds, so I started pulling. Of course, everyone knows what happens when you garden...your mind starts a-going. And a-going my mind was. I was thinking of lots of things...
- How much I miss Laurie.
- How sad I was when I couldn't help but cry in the dumb bathroom at Wrigley the other day.
- How much my heart aches in that physical way.
- How broken I feel at having to give that speech at her funeral, instead of her wedding like I had started planning the very day she got engaged.
- How crushed I am that my kids are done spending time with her, and most likely will not remember her.
- How jealous I am that she doesn't have to suffer like this anymore.
- How frustrated I am that there are people who cross the line into saying hurtful, shallow, selfish things, even now, in the hardest times of our lives.
- How bitter I am that I don't even know one full side of my family, and they don't know me.
- How angry I am that I feel so empty and hopeless.
- How enraged I am that I have to keep doing the day-to-day crap, even though the joy has been sucked away.
- How furious I am that the earth keeps spinning.
Furious is the key word. By then, the rage in me had taken over, and if you had seen me, you might have thought that it was the weeds that had personally killed my sister. I was yanking them out, and throwing them at the fence with fury. I literally screamed at them, telling them to go to hell and get out of my f-ing garden. I was sweating, and breathing hard, and had muddy smears on my face where I had wiped away my furious tears. I broke, and fell to my knees, and wept.
This sucks. I did not ask for this, I do not want this, and I am so grossly enraged by the fact that there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
I will grieve, and I will cry, and I will tear the crap out of my garden, but not one little bit of it will change the fact that I am now a different person, and it was not my choice to change.
Laurie took her life, and now it is ripping mine to shreds. Maybe that's God's will, that he will teach me something that I may never have known another way. I'm sure he has a plan for me, but right now, I am so jaded and destroyed that I can't see the weeds from the tulips.
4 comments:
Sad, heart achey, broken, crushed, jealous, frustrated, bitter, angry, enraged, furious...all the feelings where God can do His best work. Katie, God has chosen you to experience these trials, go through them and emerge showing Christ's love...I will stand with you through them. We will stand.
Why don't you have you kids get crafty and have them draw, paint, color, write their favorite things, memories about Aunt Laurie. Its something you could hold onto and cherrish for years to come as your kids memories of you sister. Also although she may not be here physically you can still have her be involved in your children's live through photos (put a pic in each kids bed of Laurie, maybe a special one of Laurie holding each of your kids individually as I am sure you have a photo with Laurie holding each of them as newborns, I am not sure if you have home videos but that could also be an idea) Just a few thoughts for you.
Kate we have never met, I never met Laurie, unless in passing at church, but my hearts go out to you and your family and I will continue to pray. All your feelings are normal, its all a part of grieving, don't give up, Laurie's passing will probably save lives.
If you ever need a voice to vent to don't hesitat to e-mail me.
wicky2@comcast.net
God Bless,
Erin
Katie,
Four years ago, one of my dearest friends got a call on New Year's Eve Morning. She had spent the night at her boyfriend of 4 years house and when he handed her the phone bright and early that morning, he told her it was her mom. ( He had looked at the caller ID and recognized her number). Katie, she does not remember him telling her that...nor does she remember turing the phone on and saying " Hi Mom". It wasn't her mom. It was her Dad, calling to tell her that her mother was dead. As if that wasn't hard enough to hear, he followed it up by telling her that they did not think it was an accident. My girlfriend's mother got into her car that morning at 6:30 am and drove two hours away from home, parked her car, left it running, ran across 4 lanes of traffic, climbed over a retaining wall and through herself in front of a van going over 60 miles per hour. There was no note, no word, no real warning. My friend was dystroyed. She was 23 years old and her whole world came undone in that instant. God was not though yet, proving to her what she could endure. Her favorite aunt died 4 months later, her poor father found her ( as if they had not all been through enough). Two months after that her boyfriend of 4 years, a pall bearer at her mothers funeral broke up with her, and that is when she really lost it. Still, there was more to come. She got a call two weeks before Labor Day from her 21 year old brother, he was hysterical and he wanted to die. We did everything we could think of. We put him in the hospital, he checked himself out. We helped get job interviews, offered counsling, had him on round the clock intervention with family members, anything we could think of...short of having him committed. The Friday morning of Labor Day weekend, he too took his own life. He copycated what his mother had done 9 months before. There are no words to express what she went through. The loss, the fear, the anger, the frustation, the shame, the judgement of small minded people who did not recognize that their lives were not about their final moments. Why am I telling you all this... I wanted you to know that this can be survived. That sun can shine again in your life and that whenever God closes doors he opens windows. Laura, who used to cry to me daily wondering how any man could ever want to be with a woman who had been through so much was married a year ago May. I stood as her Matron of Honor in Awe of God's grace. Her father is one of her best friends now, and truthfully they never really knew each other before this all happened. Her mother had carried the relationship for them. She has learned the hardest lessons that life can teach you and she is still here. Her heart is full and her life is happy. She found a "New Normal" over time. This whole story does not make losing Laurie any easier. It may not help you at all right now. I just wanted you to know that the sun will shine again. That there will come a time when laughter overrides tears. You will feel whole, your children will know how amazing your sister was, because they will see her through your eyes. My friend, is like a daughter to me and my husband. She is an Aunt to my son, and a member of my family in the truest sense. I am proud of her and what she survived. I am proud of her ability to express how she feels, and her desire to never leave a situation unresolved. I am amazed at her capicity to love. I am touched by her willingness to share her story in hopes that someone else may benefit. After reading your entries, I am proud to know you. Keep crying, keep yelling and fighting back. Keep telling the world that it is not Ok. Keep standing up for your sister who felt that she could not stand up for herself. Let the world see that she was perfect... she was made in God's image and that you are always going to honor that which he created. Express yourself... be mad, be angry, be real. Before you know it... you will find your "New Normal". I will be praying for you and your family .... All God's Blessings to you...
Love in Christ,
Annie(Goodmiller)Hart
Katie, I know I have been short on words lately b/c I just dont know what to say to take away the sadness in your heart. All I can say w/ honesty is that I'm angry for you...there had to be some other way. But you know where I am if ever you want to talk, vent, punch something, etc. Your pain is real, and even though we may not understand the reasoning behind all of this, your friends want to help you in any way possible. Love you!
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