Another day, another stupid reason...

Damn it, this day was going so well! I was doing good, feeling alright with the world, starting to see beyond the junk. We spent the day together as a family, hanging out at home, going to the ball field to play catch and run around like 1-4-5 year olds do, bbq out on the deck, bath and bedtime, Tommy and I watching the Cubs squash the silly hopes of the Dodgers...and then tears from an upstairs bedroom. Maya was crying, a bad dream. I couldn't really understand what she was talking about, just "afraid" and "Munch" and "dead." She's sleeping again, and she's just fine, but I am sitting here just generally pissed off that this is the way it has to be. This is the stuff I have to explain to my kids now. Last week, Denver made a list of the people that he knows..."a checkmark by the ones that are alive, and an X by the ones that are dead." The week before, he asked me how his aunt died, and following the recommendations of the professionals, I had the privledge of explaining suicide to a five year old! How f-ing stupid does this have to get?!?! Maya tells me that she just wants to go to heaven now, and even at four years old, I think she can see right through the awkward explanations I give about why she still should be here. I'm just on the edge of my seat waiting for the day she asks me why Aunt Laurie gets to be there now, even though it completely contradicts my explanation of "God's timing." I know it could be worse, and there are a lot harder things to have to talk to kids about, but right now, I am mad. I don't want to talk to my kids about this crap. If I can't really understand it myself, how on earth can He expect me to give a decent answer to them?
I'm mad at her. This might not be a popular thing to announce, but on behalf of my kids, today I am mad at her. They have been completely screwed out of a relationship with an aunt who loved them. The last day we saw Laurie, she told Denver she wanted to have a "Denver and Munch" day, just the two of them to do something fun. The first time Denver cried over her was when he and I were driving in the car a few days after her death, when he realized that such a day would never happen. On the same note, Maya cried when she looked at my wedding album, and knew that even though Munch had asked her to be a flower girl, that would not ever happen. I can hear her little voice now..."Munch and Scott can't get married anymore, can they?" And Isaiah, he'll never, ever know her. She was there the moment he was born, her voice was the first he heard in this world, but he will never know her. Never.

And so I am mad at her. What did they do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve this? What did we all do to deserve this? Laur, I may have hurt in your lifetime, we all may have hurt you...so what do you want, a medal? Great, you win. You've trumped us all...happy now?

If this sounds bitter and harsh, well bummer. I'm not going to stop the process of getting through this now. I can say it out loud, and get it all out there, or I can stuff it inside, hide it away, bury it for as long as I can, and then...well, I think we have all seen how well that works out, haven't we?

By the way, Munch...we got bleacher tickets for June 7th, your birthday, just like last year when you went with Drew. I know you wanted to skip the game, and just go to Wrigleyville, your first time as a 21-year-old, but I decided to go, and sit, and cheer in your honor. It's your birthday, and I know how much you love celebrating it. We'll miss you here, and we'll do our best to pay tribute to you on your special day. Lord knows that if birthdays still matter in heaven, you'll be partying like a dork! I love you, you know...