Earlier this evening, I took a peek at my blog. More specifically, I looked at the hit counter. I was actually on the phone with my mom at that moment, so the significance was instantly recognized by more than just myself. The counter read 6762. Not that it really means anything at all, but it was kind cool... the last four digits of Laurie's cell phone number. I remember saying to my mom "I should check again before I go to bed, perhaps I can see when it hits 6784, Laurie's exact birthdate." I figured that I would post tonight, and people just might take a look. But when I looked again, a few hours later, it said 6832. In the space of a Cubs game, 60 people stopped thier lives to see what I might be thinking. 60 people doing their daily thing paused a moment to care about MY LIFE. Weird...
Anyhow, I feel like everything I want to write has been written already. The things that are flooding my mind lately are the same things I posted on my bigbigbigbigbig posting. Basically, I am still having a desperately hard time adjusting to the fact that this is life now, no matter how strange and impossible it feels. Not that I am obsessed with my sister's death (but if I were, is that something to be ashamed of and stuff inside and fake to the world like I am moving along faster than I really am?) but I still find the sensation of...well, the sensationalism just overwhelmingly huge. Its like I am looking at the world through some funny glasses, thinking how astonishing this all really is, and then it hits me again. These are not fun-house mirrors, Katie...these are your eyes, this is your life, and it is YOUR sister that killed herself. It is YOU that is standing here up to your eyeballs in disbelief...this is your bed, lie in it, like it or not. It is a mind-blowing sensation, that, to be perfectly honest, I don't think most people could understand, at least not a lot of the people I know. I am surrounded by people that love me, and that I love deeply, but I often get the feeling (and it isn't a bad thing at all, not even a little) that I am alone. That every single person around me does not and cannot imagine what this feels like. Sympathy and empathy, sure, those things I am flooded with, but the actual imagination of it. I have the distinct feeling that while so many people around me are pouring love and prayer and peace into my life, there is very much a hovering sensation within them that simply says, with aloof security, "This could never happen to me. Katie lost a sister to suicide, but that would not, could not ever happen to my sibling. My brother/sister would never do that." It isn't so much a conscious thought, it is simply that it has never crossed their minds that it could happen. I'm probably not making any sense, but I am trying. Basically, in a nutshell...I don't know why Laurie killed herself, I don't know why anyone does, really, but what I do know, is that there are people living under the same roof as you right now that are contemplating it, too. The girl you shared a bedroom with 20 years ago, the boy you played GI Joes with for thousands of hours with as a child, the woman who breastfed you, the man who coached your little league, your best friend in high school...that person is thinking about it right now. It is real, and it could happen. Not to be a jerk, but to some of you, it WILL happen. Please, please, please, from the absolute bottom of this very broken heart, check up on that heart. If something seems wrong, get out of your comfort zone and get in there to do what it takes. If nothing seems out of place at all...well get in there anyways, and make sure you know what's going on. I just have this desperate feeling that I want to beg everyone around me to be aware. That doesn't mean you need to assume the worst, or the inevitable, or that it is a hopeless cause. Not so at all. Rather, it is the chance to take the pain of losing my sister, and turn it into the chance you might have to save your sister...literally.
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5 comments:
First things first... you need to not stay up so darn late to post! Get some sleep already! :-)
I'm still here reading... and I want to say "thanks" again for your blistering honesty in the face of soul-deadening tragedy. It's helping me to be a better pastor, as I _stink_ at the whole empathy/compassion thing. Hearing your heart helps me get a glimpse of my congregation's hearts.
Finally, Katie is not joking about how many broken-hearted people out there are just a stupid decision or two away from suicide... or if not that, some other unbelievably idiotic life decision that will send shockwaves through the lives of family & friends. We need to live out Galatians 6 and "bear one another's burdens".
in Christ,
mark
aka pastor guy
Katie,
Every 18 minutes in the U.S., someone dies by suicide. (I know you know that) That is so alarming to me and as you said it could be someone in my family as it was in yours. I think it becomes too painful to think that a loved one would commit suicide and so we push it out of our mind like you said "it could not happen to me or my family" So we must not put off tomorrow what we should do today and that is love unconditionally and encourage others and be involved in the lives of others. I love you Katie and how you tell it like it is. Love, Mrs. H
For society, it seems to be such a quandary: a) Yes! We should get into the schools, youth groups, homes & raise awareness regarding depression, suicide, etc. OR b) No! We can't do that or we might be giving kids ideas. I am praying that your upcoming 'Walk through the Night' is going to blow the lid off of this thing & get people talking.
Guess what - the kids (and adults) are already getting these ideas. I've been there - acting completely normal on the outside for a few years while things got worse & worse on the inside. Then they rapidly spiraled out of control and I started regularly, seriously abusing my medications with the intent to 'not be' anymore. If I had not been surrounded by attentive acquantances and incomparable, professional help - I don't know where I would be. I do know that friends & family don't always want to hear about it when everything is not ok. Trust me, many depressed, confused people can hide their 'stuff' for a log time because they think no one wants to listen.
I know from one woman in my intensive outpatient group - who witnessed her fiance's suicide - that the healing/grieving can take a long, long time. So do whatever you need to do - however long it takes.
The fact that you mentioned reaching out for professional help during all this is awesome. God can accomplish a lot through trained professionals. Don't know if you are in any groups - but I found it really helped, having different feelings validated by other group members in a similar place emotionally. and that is one group that is very willing to listen.
And Katie - since I am too old to use terms like 'give you props' - I will tell you that your candor (the f-word, the a'hole word) - it all rocks because its what needs to be said. In my private moments, I am right there cursing like a sailor with you!
you are amazing.
AMEN to the bloggers who are encouraging others to be involved in the lives of loved ones, and bear one another's burdens.
mary k
I linked here from your fundraising page for the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. I have two sisters and I couldn't imagine losing either one of them.
I know all too well why someone would take their own life because I've tried several times. Up until my first attempt, no one had a clue anything was wrong...not my family, not my husband, no one. I kept it that well hidden.
I too am participating in the walk. To honor those that have been lost to suicide and to help those like myself that are struggling daily to stay alive.
I know you will miss your sister dearly for the rest of your life, but the pain of the loss will lessen. Hold onto the happy memories you have of her. In time, as you begin to heal, you will celebrate her life more than you will mourn her death.
Please take care of yourself. Maybe our paths will cross at the walk. If so, I would love to hear more about the girl behind that beautiful smile.
My heart goes out to you and your family and friends. I want you to know how much all of your blogs and comments have touched me, and helped me.
If it weren't for these blogs, I wouldn't have realised the pain I would cause my family and friends if I chose to kill myself. And I absolutely cannot put them through what you are all going through. If that is what helps me to get through another day till I can feel the warmth of God's sunshine again then so be it. But do know Laurie and you all have saved another life - mine.
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