Feel like praying for someone? How about my sweet little 5-year-old, Denver? The poor kid is as sick as a dog today, as you can see! Still cute, though, huh?  

Out of the Darkness

Hi friends. As some may know, my family (which includes Eve! Yay!) and I are participating in the Out of the Darkness overnight walk in July. It is a great cause that raises money for suicide prevention, awareness, and research. We feel very strongly about this, and would love for you to sponsor us. Please take a look at it, would you? Thanks!

http://www.theovernight.org/katiemichel

My list of times Laur stepped on my toes

Well, In my life, I have screwed up pretty well at times. I have been so far from God that I could barely see Him on the horizon (though He could see me still clear as day) and I have hurt people, including my sister tremendously. Reading a few excerpts from her journals, there is no question how deeply saddened she was, or how desperately she wanted me back, both in her life and in my relationship with God. No question, the choices I made in my past caused her awful pain. I have spent a bit of time in the past weeks, expressing to her and others how truly sorry I am for those choices, and how glad I am that when I came running back, God was running towrds me as well. I am so grateful that I didn't hear "I told you so" or "Ha! We were right, and you were wrong" instead, I just heard "We love you" and "we're glad you're home" and "we missed you" and "we are proud of you."
But thinking back even further, to the time that I was still running away from God and my family and friends, I would like to recount for you the things my sister said to me that made me weep because they hurt me so badly. The times she choose not to pour out her love for me, even though I was not living according to God's word. The times she decided to cross the line between "accountability" and "judgement." Ready?

1.

Hmm, pretty short list, huh? That is because it didn't happen like that. During those times, Laurie chose to love me first and foremost, and to speak WITH me, not AT ME about God, and my choices. She encouraged me to seek Him, and find his plan for me, and reminded me that she was with me no matter what, and that she hoped I would come to her when I wanted to speak my heart. Never once did she accuse me of no longer being a Christian. Never once did she ask me to step out of an "honorable" role in her life because my choices did not reflect hers. Never once did she feel my choices made me unworthy of a simple hug. Never once did she feel it was okay to judge me, and with draw from me, and belittle me, and throw on the self-righteous label of accountability, because it was somehow okay to hurt someone with your words and actions as long as you are doing it in the name of Jesus. Never once did Laurie step on my toes. When I did decide to seek God again, and come home to my family, you had better believe her support was a huge factor, because her gentleness had spoken to me. GENTLENESS...

I feel very strongly that Laur, along with my family, were very honoring to God's word in the way they handled that time in my life. They gently made it clear that they were concerned for the way I was making choices, and were praying for me constantly, and asked me to seek out God, but did not confront me. They did not withhold love from me, they did not discourage, but encouraged. They had hope that I would return to God. They honored God by loving me first, but gently encouraged me to find my way back to the path of God. THAT is accountability.

Does anyone hear me? They made me weep only because I saw how much they loved me, not because I was hurt or discouraged by their abandonment of me!

I am not pointing fingers for my sister's death. I feel very strongly that God wants, and is showing me how to give grace, and forgive. Whether or not it is anyone's words, or actions, or hypocricy that contributed to my sister's wish to die, I'll never know, and is irrelevant to me anyhow. I pray for grace in my heart, and that God would pour love on some specific hearts to spare them from suffering from overwhelming guilt, more than we all feel. What does infuriate me, though, is that there seems to be a casual denial in some people's hearts and words, like nothing was said or done to Laurie that is worth apologizing to her for. I simply hate the idea that my sister was hurt very deeply by some people who continue to hurt her now, by dismissing and denying that pain.

I'll be here, crying, and praying for grace, and that God will do as he does, whisper gently in all of our ears, and guide us to live as he hopes us to live.

The tide

I went to the water today. I went alone, past the tourists, and field-trippers, and families all headed into the Planetarium. Around to the back, beyond the picnic area, down to the break-wall...to the waters edge. It was much different today than when I was there a few weeks ago. That day, when my family journeyed there to see for ourselves, was almost peaceful. The water was calm, the sun was shining, the air was crisp, but not cold.

Not today.

Today the cold was bitter. The wind, which didn't seem noticeble anywhere else, was blowing fiercely over the water, stinging painfully on my face. The water was tumultuous, waves crashing into the wall, and colliding with each other as they made their way in and out of that little harbor. I couldn't even stand on that bottom level because of the waves that kept crashing the wall, spilling up onto the ground, flooding the space where Laurie had stood.

It was much scarier today. And louder, even though I was certainly alone there, unseen by any human eyes. The sound of the water, and wind... and the things I said to her, at her, about her. Some things whispered, some things screamed. I kicked the wall, and I held my head in my hands and wept. I threw rocks, and I left a daisy.

I cried the whole way home, and I am crying again right now.

I think God raised his voice with me

I've been struggling with what to do with all this anger. It feels so huge, but I am afraid that if it goes away, it might be replaced with more sadness than I know how to handle. I've been screaming into pillows, and beating the life out of Denver's whack-a mole game (sorry, Squirt, if it doesn't work the same anymore) and trying very hard to speak my rage out loud. And I've been praying really, really hard. Last night I was on my knees, asking God to take away my fury, and put something nicer there, and to make me not want to feel like I want to punch people so much. I told Him how when I think of some people, and how they made my sister feel, I get so mad, and self-righteous, and could He help me to not be like them.

And that is where God had to use a sharp tone with me. He pressed rather firmly to my heart, and reminded me that those are His precious children I am talking about, made in His image, and more treasured than I can imagine, and no, I most certainly did not have the right to think of them that way.

So I am working on it. I know my anger is not going to disappear, but at least I can try to direct it to a place that is honoring to Him. So today when I prayed, I asked God to help me turn my own anger into compassion. I hate it, but I am going to have to turn my other tear stained cheek to this world. I'm going to have to start praying for the very same people that I feel like screaming at.

Now if that isn't submitting to God's plan instead of my own, I'm not sure what is.

By the way, I'm sorry for the pain I brought in my past. It's way too tender on my heart to get into right now, but I just wanted to make sure you know I'd take it all back if I could...

Finally...

Finally. Amidst all the sadness, and fear, and anger, and stuff, I have something fresh that has really made me glad. I was thinking about how lots of Laurie's "most recent" writings are filled with questions/thoughts/concerns regarding God and Christianity, and her role within it all. Until this morning, I had been pretty bugged by it, wishing so hard that I could have helped, or that she would have allowed herself more time to figure it out. But then I stumbled accross the comforting part: She is finally in the one place she can find those answers. She is in the company of the only being who can truly give her those Truths. As much as I miss her, I can know that the things she wrestled with in her earthly life are answered questions now. Another thing I can be happy about, for her.
Does it make the rest go away? Nope. I'm still here dancing with fury in my head, and fighting off some pretty darn venomous rages. I'm still here on my knees begging God to put mercy in my heart. Absolutely begging. Keep praying for me, that God will continue to work in me, and pour his soothing salve on some gaping wounds right now.

You wanna hear something silly? On the last day I saw Munch, I saw her twice. The first time I visited her at Starbucks, and she got me a Chantico. It was too hot to drink, and I left it in the car...for almost three weeks. I haven't been able to get myself to throw it out yet, until today. I don't know why, I just looked at it and decided that it just makes me mad to look at.

The second time I saw her that day was at 921. We talked, and chilled, and I got to sit in on quite an interesting conversation between her and Mom, and didn't do much of anything. We talked about getting tickets to a Cubs game, and then we decided to order some of those little "Cubs-BELIEVE" bracelets. Just yesterday I realized that they haven't come yet, and that, too makes me mad. Not that they aren't here yet, but that they will come and she won't have hers. It makes me mad to think of wearing mine when hers will just sit there.

You know what else makes me mad? Lot of things...

Munch, Ike, Munch 

The part I don't know...

It's not that I don't know how to do this, it's just that I don't know how to do this.

The typing is easy, it's the words that won't come. I can't find a way to make it all clear. I've been getting through, making my feet take the steps, even though my shoes must certainly be filled with mud. I've gone to my classes, and everyone there is great. They've helped me with schoolwork, and listened when I needed to talk, and given me space when I've needed space. They've prayed with me, and for me, and I've felt it. But they aren't in my head. I was talking to a girl yesterday, and I stopped to see in her head. She knew how terrible this is, and how sorry she is, and how hard it is to get through. But she didn't know Laur, she never got to love her, or see her. I wanted to make her see that is isn't just that my heart is sad, or angry, or lonely...it's unimaginable. I wanted her to see that this just isn't my sister. That Laurie is the last one I ever thought would bring me to this place. I wanted her to know how frustrated I am that I can't make her know. But she knew...

I've been praying a lot, asking God to teach me how to submit, how to give all of me. I just can't figure out what that means, really. It's easy in the big things, like asking Him for help, or comfort. It's easy to thank Him for being so good to me, for blessing and loving me so much, but what about the other stuff, the rest of my day? What about when I am studying, or making dinner, or getting gas? What about when I am changing a bedpan, or taking a shower? How do I give that to God?

And so I prayed again. I asked Him to teach me, and for wisdom, and strength, and patience, and comfort and , timidly, since Laur isn't going to need her study skills anymore, could I have them because I have a lot of homework. I think I made my Father laugh, because I heard Him say it would be alright. And then He told me to hit the books, because He has big plans for me, and maybe, just maybe, nursing school just might have a part in them. I hope so, because right now, I just don't feel like it.