Smiley Kylie and Smilin' Rylan!

Victory! As I have learned, it is tricky to get one baby to smile on camera, but getting two at the same time...well, it finally happened today (not once, but twice!) However, the photo itself was not the highlight of my day. Showing to my other 3 kids, and seeing how much they loved it truly was! They are all so good with the babies, and love them so much, it fills my heart to overflowing when I see how excited they are just to make them smile! (Of course, after they saw it, Denver announced that even though we wanted to, we probably shouldn't eat them for dinner, because then we would not be able to take more smiley pictures of them. We then determined that Isaiah is too squishy, he won't be good, Maya is too sweet, so she won't be good, and Denver is too scrawny, so he wouldn't be good. That left only yours truly, but I bargained with them...safe for another day! Yes!)

Love is...

I Will Never Be The Same

Wow. Two years. Back then, I never would have thought it possible to live every day with this sort of ache, but as my big brother pointed out, it turns out, you can survive with a giant hole in your heart.

This morning, I sat down and read some more of Laurie's journals. One, in particular grabbed my heart. A small green journal she started in 2003, with a very specific audience in mind. She wrote it for her future husband, though she had no idea who he would be. For each entry, she would cut out a "Love is..." comic from the Chicago Sun-Times, and write about it, intending to give it to the man she would marry. It simply broke my heart. So much optimism and hope, and love on those pages, but it turns out, in the end, they are now just words written in a small green journal.

I love you, Laurie. I miss you profoundly, and your life and death wraps around my heart every day. I wish I could show you my babies, and let you teach Denver how to burp. I wish you could help Maya put lipstick on, and laugh when Isaiah winks at you and says "hey dollface." I wish you could cry with me right now, and help me get through my broken heart. I wish you could tell me it will be alright...

I wish I could have told you that it would be alright. I wish I could have told you that everything would change, and you would be better. I wish I could have told you that there is such thing as heaven and hell, and we might catch glimpses of them here on earth, and that is part of it all.

I wish I could tell you that having babies hurts, and tivo is awesome, and seriously, The Office is that funny. I wish I could braid your hair, and hear about your friday night, and show you the Cubs car seat covers I made. I wish we could prank call Mom, throw an "I love you" party for Kristin, and eat velveeta straight out of the box. I wish we could play "heart and soul" on the piano together, make heart-shaped meatloaf and other soul-food, and pray diligently for each other's heart and soul. I wish I could hear what you wish...

This is what love is. Love is...cherishing our memories. Love is...choosing not to let you go. Love is...carrying you everywhere I go. Love is... knowing I will never be the same.