So a few moments ago, I spoke with a reporter from the Daily Herald. She is doing an article on the Out of the Darkness walk for next week, since May 4-10 is National Suicide Awareness week. She wanted to have a personal story for her article, and well, I happen to have one. (duh)

It was kinda weird, trying to sum up everything all at once. She asked about Laurie, and about her death life, and such, and asked why we want to participate in the walk. Honestly, I can't recall exactly what I said. Something about making the community aware of how huge suicide really is, and wanting to help others who are suicidal, or are surviving a suicide.

After I hung up, that's when it hit me. I am surviving a suicide. I have no idea how, but I am surviving it. I thought about how bizarre this is, in so many ways. Like how I am finally learning how to refer to Laur in the past tense. I'm not sure why it has taken me so long, or why it feels like a big deal, but it does.

I keep having this feeling like the answer to all of this is right around the corner. Like it's all going to make sense, and it won't be just about the grief anymore. Logically and realistically, I know this isn't likely, but the " all just hanging out there" feeling is growing a bit cumbersome. I just want a direction to take this all in... I'm getting weary of wandering aimlessly in my own brain, feeling unsure of myself and how I am doing, really. There are moments when I feel like I am sure I'll be just fine, and moments that I can't breathe because of sadness and fear.

Fear. That's a hard one to wrestle with. Fear that I'll never get over this. Fear that I'll forget her. Fear that I'll lose someone else today. Fear that I am doing this all wrong, and I'm missing something, and when I realize it I'll flip out.

Fear that nobody hears me, and I'm just talking to myself now, all the time.