My list of times Laur stepped on my toes

Well, In my life, I have screwed up pretty well at times. I have been so far from God that I could barely see Him on the horizon (though He could see me still clear as day) and I have hurt people, including my sister tremendously. Reading a few excerpts from her journals, there is no question how deeply saddened she was, or how desperately she wanted me back, both in her life and in my relationship with God. No question, the choices I made in my past caused her awful pain. I have spent a bit of time in the past weeks, expressing to her and others how truly sorry I am for those choices, and how glad I am that when I came running back, God was running towrds me as well. I am so grateful that I didn't hear "I told you so" or "Ha! We were right, and you were wrong" instead, I just heard "We love you" and "we're glad you're home" and "we missed you" and "we are proud of you."
But thinking back even further, to the time that I was still running away from God and my family and friends, I would like to recount for you the things my sister said to me that made me weep because they hurt me so badly. The times she choose not to pour out her love for me, even though I was not living according to God's word. The times she decided to cross the line between "accountability" and "judgement." Ready?

1.

Hmm, pretty short list, huh? That is because it didn't happen like that. During those times, Laurie chose to love me first and foremost, and to speak WITH me, not AT ME about God, and my choices. She encouraged me to seek Him, and find his plan for me, and reminded me that she was with me no matter what, and that she hoped I would come to her when I wanted to speak my heart. Never once did she accuse me of no longer being a Christian. Never once did she ask me to step out of an "honorable" role in her life because my choices did not reflect hers. Never once did she feel my choices made me unworthy of a simple hug. Never once did she feel it was okay to judge me, and with draw from me, and belittle me, and throw on the self-righteous label of accountability, because it was somehow okay to hurt someone with your words and actions as long as you are doing it in the name of Jesus. Never once did Laurie step on my toes. When I did decide to seek God again, and come home to my family, you had better believe her support was a huge factor, because her gentleness had spoken to me. GENTLENESS...

I feel very strongly that Laur, along with my family, were very honoring to God's word in the way they handled that time in my life. They gently made it clear that they were concerned for the way I was making choices, and were praying for me constantly, and asked me to seek out God, but did not confront me. They did not withhold love from me, they did not discourage, but encouraged. They had hope that I would return to God. They honored God by loving me first, but gently encouraged me to find my way back to the path of God. THAT is accountability.

Does anyone hear me? They made me weep only because I saw how much they loved me, not because I was hurt or discouraged by their abandonment of me!

I am not pointing fingers for my sister's death. I feel very strongly that God wants, and is showing me how to give grace, and forgive. Whether or not it is anyone's words, or actions, or hypocricy that contributed to my sister's wish to die, I'll never know, and is irrelevant to me anyhow. I pray for grace in my heart, and that God would pour love on some specific hearts to spare them from suffering from overwhelming guilt, more than we all feel. What does infuriate me, though, is that there seems to be a casual denial in some people's hearts and words, like nothing was said or done to Laurie that is worth apologizing to her for. I simply hate the idea that my sister was hurt very deeply by some people who continue to hurt her now, by dismissing and denying that pain.

I'll be here, crying, and praying for grace, and that God will do as he does, whisper gently in all of our ears, and guide us to live as he hopes us to live.