The part I don't know...

It's not that I don't know how to do this, it's just that I don't know how to do this.

The typing is easy, it's the words that won't come. I can't find a way to make it all clear. I've been getting through, making my feet take the steps, even though my shoes must certainly be filled with mud. I've gone to my classes, and everyone there is great. They've helped me with schoolwork, and listened when I needed to talk, and given me space when I've needed space. They've prayed with me, and for me, and I've felt it. But they aren't in my head. I was talking to a girl yesterday, and I stopped to see in her head. She knew how terrible this is, and how sorry she is, and how hard it is to get through. But she didn't know Laur, she never got to love her, or see her. I wanted to make her see that is isn't just that my heart is sad, or angry, or lonely...it's unimaginable. I wanted her to see that this just isn't my sister. That Laurie is the last one I ever thought would bring me to this place. I wanted her to know how frustrated I am that I can't make her know. But she knew...

I've been praying a lot, asking God to teach me how to submit, how to give all of me. I just can't figure out what that means, really. It's easy in the big things, like asking Him for help, or comfort. It's easy to thank Him for being so good to me, for blessing and loving me so much, but what about the other stuff, the rest of my day? What about when I am studying, or making dinner, or getting gas? What about when I am changing a bedpan, or taking a shower? How do I give that to God?

And so I prayed again. I asked Him to teach me, and for wisdom, and strength, and patience, and comfort and , timidly, since Laur isn't going to need her study skills anymore, could I have them because I have a lot of homework. I think I made my Father laugh, because I heard Him say it would be alright. And then He told me to hit the books, because He has big plans for me, and maybe, just maybe, nursing school just might have a part in them. I hope so, because right now, I just don't feel like it.