Yesterday...
I seemed to have lost my energy for the day by the time I got out of the shower at 6:30, and it was just about all I could do to throw on clothes, the grubbiest pair of overalls you've ever seen, with a ratty t-shirt. Heck, I told myself, me and my puffy red eyes aren't exactly going to win any beauty pageants today anyways. Classes were fine, nothing to write home about. I had a sorta raw feeling about me though. I kept having the urge to say the most stupid, inappropriate things, for no apparent reason. Fortunately, I kept them to myself, and just giggled like a moron through half the class. (tee hee...irritable bowel syndrome, also known as "cranky ass." Seriously, what is wrong with me? How old am I?!?)
On my way home, I was having a petit mal seizure (which, as I learned today, is relatively common, and harmless) staring off into space, or rather, at the bumper of the car ahead of me at a traffic light. I finally noticed the lone sticker on the car. It was sort of a take-off on the "got milk?" thing, and (I assume the car was driven by an African-american woman) this one said "got a sister?" I literally spoke out loud "Oh come ON! Now that's just mean! Must we rub it in?!?"

Today...
I think I'm having myself a big old pity party. I feel like I'm just a pouty little kid, kicking and screaming my way through all of this. There is this one song that has really spoken to me, but in an especially poignant way today. I bought this album recently, in a pretty random way. I heard a song on the radio, without knowing who the artist was. After a bit of googling, I found the dude, Paul Alan, and his album on sale for a whopping $.99. I bought it, and listened to the song I wanted to hear, and then just let the album play. One song, a bit later, sounded cool, so I stopped to actually listen, and pull out the insert, and did a bit more hunting on fan websites for info. Turns out, the song, called Sarah, was written for his friend, who had lost her sister to suicide. Weird, eh, that I would buy the exact album that would speak to me this way. Anyhow, it isn't really a touchy-feely, I-feel-so-bad-for-you kinda song. It's actually a bit more on the "get-it-together" side. Here's a part that gets to me:

Sarah, don't be so sad
She wouldn't want it that way...

She's gone too soon,
And the blame's on you.
Is that what you're thinking?
So you crucify,
It's your sacrifice.
If you throw your heart away
It will make up for that night.
Is that what you're thinking? Sarah-
Is that what you're thinking?

She's already got a Savior

And so that is what I feel like a part of me is doing lately, feeling like if I deny myself any joy, or love, or trust again, maybe it somehow makes up for how I let her down.

Please don't feel like you need to comment on that, and tell me Laurie's suicide is not my fault, just to reassure me. I am certainly not taking the entire blame upon myself, but it would be dishonest of me not to acknowledge that I feel guilt. I don't believe that I personally pushed her over that edge, and I don't know for sure that anyone did, but I can't help but feel sorry for not being there when she needed someone. It isn't something I said or did that makes me feel guilty, but all the things I didn't say and do...