I have nothing inspirational, nothing crafted of fine words...just empty. Joyless. So far broken, I wonder how God will repair me, bring me back to life. I miss her so much, I am beyond words. I keep thinking I should find a way to express this feeling, this utter despair. I keep thinking that I need something beyond this face I am showing, the face that says I am doing okay. I keep thinking that I should describe to someone...anyone... the desperation inside, the panicky feeling that I can't control.
It isn't about God. In that aspect, I am good. He is good. I feel Him holding me close, I feel His presence. I hear Him calling me to draw closer and closer still. I pray, and I know beyond reason that I am not alone. I have faith bigger than what I can see, and I know where my rock is.
It is about me. It is about my human feelings, earthly despair. It is my utterly human hopelessness that is crushing me.
This week, at Grief Support at Willow, the pastor shared a list of questions that seemed to be common to many as they suffer a loss. Where is God? Why did He let this happen? What is God's plan? Etc, and then he gave us a moment to write in a question we might have that wasn't listed...
My question... What's the point?
What am I supposed to learn from my sister's death, and why do I have to be here for who-knows-how-many years to learn it? Is my life supposed to teach someone else a lesson, and if so, who? Why are we here? What is the point?
Anyone?
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ar·gil·la·ceous: Containing, made of, or resembling clay.
6 comments:
What's the point? Of life? Of living? Of dying? Good question! If you find the answer please let me know! I guess what God wants us to do is live for Him and endure hardships and give Him the glory and spread the good news that He loves us. All things you know and easy to say but when trials come our way we lean on Him but always question WHY? What the heck? Sometimes it seems like we go in circles looking for answers when there are none. Like why do the good die and the wicked prosper? Katie you are here to be a daughter, mother, sister, and friend to many, and a nurse to others someday. I love you and keep looking for those answers. Love, Mrs. H.
Katie,
I share your brokeness. I hold you hourly in my heart and prayers. I love you beautiful girl! I wish I could give you a glimpse of God's "big picture" for your life. For now, just know that on more than one occasion, you have been placed by God on this earth to keep me going. Its not your whole reason for being, but its vital for me. I bless God for you.
Dade,
I love you and pray for you. All the way from here in Costa Rica. Don´t lose heart -- God has this under control. Please go read Psalm 34:18. God is so close.
Grit
Yeah, right, like I know!?!? Only after a lot of introspection and committment to my own growth did I even attempt to come up with a purpose for myself. I can tell you what it is, but I'm not sure it will 'do' anything for you. It's just a bunch of words...until I actually live by them. Then my world comes alive and I feel closer to my true inner self-my true essence. Not really sure what it's supposed to LOOK like, but I have a idea of what it feels like now to be living 'on purpose'. Whether that means standing up for what I believe in, in the face of fear and doubt, or just listening to someone describe their world to me...everything that I've lived through has taught me something, given me a new perspective, a glimpse at a bigger picture. Even though I have no clue what lies beyond this life, just knowing that I'm doing my work (His work), my piece, to change this earthly despair, as you called it, has me feeling good enough to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.
I love you, sweetie! Big hugs...
Love
Sara :)
Sara nailed it... it's just a jumble of words & ideas - "sound & fury, signifying nothing" - until you live it out.
And part of living it out right now is that one foot in front of the other trudge through this jungle of emotion & pain.
Man, that sounds depressing when I type it. Part of me wants to go back & edit it into something "prettier" and more acceptable sounding, but it's pretty clear that's not what you're looking for.
By now, I'm betting someone has played Billy Sprague's "Press On" for you by now. If not, drop me a line & I'll talk to you about it.
I'm praying for you - the jungle is hellishly bad, but you don't travel it without the Guide.
in Christ,
mark
aka pastor guy
You know my innermost thoughts on this subject, which i'd rather not post...who knows what the point is?!? But one thing remains, which I know you relate to on a daily basis. I look into my children's eyes every day and know I have a purpose. I'm the reason they're there. And they're happy every day, just to be playing or drawing or eating....just BEING. And if everything else is going wrong, I can look in their eyes and "get it". I'm there for them...I made them...they are a part of me, and they're innocently happy just to be alive and I had something to do with that. I know it's the same with you and your children...I know what a loving mother you are. Life and love go on, even through devestating points in life....ESPECIALLY through devestating moments..that's when we find out how powerful love is.
Why are you here and why is everyone else here? Who knows? We have an unknown amount, but relatively short time here...I believe we must use that time to be as happy as possible "just being", not selfishly, but rather like children are, loving and bringing happiness to those around us unconditionally.
It may sound simplistic, but I dont care. When everything around us is in chaos, sometimes the most theraputic thing to do is to simply look into the eyes of our loved ones (family, friends, children), give them a big hug, and just BE. To me, that unconditional love is the meaning of life. It doesnt solve the world's problems, but gosh, it feels good!!!!
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