I just can't get over how big this is. How absolutely, unbelievably, incredibly freaking big this is. It's as though I make it a single step cognitively, only to be thrown back a mile when it hits me yet again how big this is.
I went to school today. My sister is dead. I did the dishes. My sister took her life. I checked my email. My sister is dead. I changed some diapers. My sister took her life. I paid some bills. My sister is dead. I watched a TV show. My sister took her life. I spent another day doing who-the-fuck-cares while my sister is dead. This is just beyond big. I just can't get over how big this is.
I feel like I have been smacked upside the head with the reality stick, and it's left quite a mark. I'm keeping a lot of stuff down inside, mostly because I am afraid if I let it out, if I get too honest, it'll just be too scary too see.
It feels like a blanket. A big, scary blanket. I go through my day, doing all the junk that I have to do, whether it is jumping through hoops at school trying to prove that I am learning something even if it seems glaringly obvious that I have no idea what I am doing, or taking care of the homestead, making sure my children are clothed and fed and played with and smiling, all the while feeling like I am being smothered by a big giant I-don't-care blanket. I'm living with a filter on, an apathetic filter, so that even though I am surrounded by the real world, all I can come up with is "who cares?" Right now, it really is not me, that's for sure.
I know I have felt this way before, but right now I am unsure if this is regular old, run-of-the-mill grief, or if I really am in a depression. The tricky part is, you guessed it...I don't care.
I get really worried, like maybe I am going to lose my mind for real. See, there is the part of me that says "No, you're doing fine. You'd never go crazy. Sure, you might feel like everything is nuts right now, but if you were going to lose it, why would you still be doing the day-to-day? If you were going to go off the deep end, why would you still do your homework, take your vitamins, make pediatrician appointments, make plans? People don't just lose their mind one day..." Or do they? Laurie spent the last three days of her life studying for a test she didn't take. Laurie and I made plans for her 21st birthday next month. Laurie filed her taxes and was excited about a refund. Laurie signed up for a stupid 401K. The day she took her life, she told my Mom she'd see her later, she told my step-dad she'd pay back a loan on Friday, she told her fiance she was looking forward to hanging out that night.
So I am paranoid and apathetic. What fine company I make these days.
To be fair, while I can't say that I know for sure when the idea was fully realized in her head, I think I have reason to believe that she made that decision before she left the house in the morning. I think she may have made her choice sometime in the wee hours, which just complicates my thought even more. It makes me really, really mad at her, that she was able to look in my mother's eyes knowing her intentions. She said good-bye to my parents just as she did every day, never missing a beat. She pulled away from Starbuck's, with no more than a casual "see you later" to her fiance. How bold, and determined, and out of her mind...
It's just too big, and my brain much too small...
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6 comments:
This is soooooo big I find that it is hard to express to others who never knew Laurie on how much Laurie impacted so many lives in her life and now in her death. Dee was just telling me while she was crying on what she had planned to do with Laurie on her 21st birthday. Many people had made plans and expected them to work out but Laurie ended them all with taking her life. It is just sooo sad, disappointing and makes us angry most of the time. Katie just keep on doing the things God would want you to do in your life and you will see as you look back that you have accomplished much.
I also wanted to comment on you being a mom to your first born. You did what was the best thing for Allison and she belongs to another family but she will always be a part of your heart. We have watched our adopted children search for their biological moms and they each have met them. You have an advantage since they know where you live and can contact you when they might need you. Keep her close to your heart and pray that she grows up to become a woman of God. Love, Mrs. H.
Katie girl...
I just want you to know how much I love you! If I can do anything to help you just let me know ok?
Love you love you love you love you love you!!!
Sara
Oh girlfriend.
First, let me just say, again, how I can't even begin to comprehend what it is like to live through what you're living through right now. In all honesty, I think you're doing pretty dang well, despite how loco you're feeling.
Second, I want to encourage you to stop stuffing everything down and away. In fact, if I may be so bold, I'll insist that you stop. :) The problem with stuffing is that it never actually goes away; stuffing does not magically transform the grief or anger or pain or confusion and dissolve it into nothing. It _always_ comes back. Always. And usually in very uncontrollable, freaky ways that can hurt others besides just ourselves. Now, I know you're a mom and a wife and a daughter and a friend and a sister and a student, and thus it's hard to get away and just be Katie for a while, but, in my entirely unprofessional and uneducated opinion, I think you should try to get away for a little while, just a day or two, and let loose with the emotions you're feeing. Get it all out, cry and scream like a banshee, throw things and pound pillows and rant and rave at Laurie and God, and unstuff the stuffing. Or, even better, get your beautiful self to a counselor. NOT because you're losing your mind, but because you lost your sister, and that's as good as reason as any. (NOT, also, because you shouldn't be feeling this way--you most absolutely _should_ be--but because there are healthy ways and unhealthy ways to deal with it, and like I said, stuffing ain't one of 'em.)
I hope I'm not overstepping here--I know I don't know you that well, and I'll admit I'm often too quick to try to help people fix problems when all they really need is for me to shut up and listen. But that's my way. Feel free to ignore it if you want. :)
-Alison
I just came through this by "next blogging" but let me say that I have never met you yet I can only imagine what, I take that back I can't, you're going through.
May God be with you and your family as you try and get through this difficult time.
Sweet Katie Heather, I read this and I could feel the pain in you. I wish I could reach through this computer and just hold you and hold you and let you cry and cry and cry. Anytime you need to be held and cry I am here for you. I understand how you feel when everyone around you is doing there daily stuff, and all you want to do is slap them and say "Hey, my sister (my niece) is gone, Stop being so frickin happy you jerk!!" I know.
I am so glad we all have eachother. Katie, I love you so big. Please come to me if you need to cry...love, Aunt Gail
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