A gulp of fresh air...

Aaahhh. It is just simply so sad that all it takes for me to be right with the world again is to get a new internet service provider! Before I get to business on the good stuff, allow me to take one second and put some info out there for my nearest and dearest (which of course is all of you!) First, we changed our email, hopefully for the last time! Tommy is undecided still, but my new address is nursekatie1@comcast.net, so go ahead and update your address books, and to make me feel warm and fuzzy, shoot me an email too! Secondly, since we were so fed up with AT&T regarding our DSL, we decided to simply bite the bullet and ditch our land line altogether, and run with the hip crowd that relies solely on cell phones! If you don't have our numbers, and need them, email me, o-tay?

On that note, it seems that there is once again so much to catch up on that it can't really be done. The overnight walk, for one, was astounding. Painful in several ways, but overall, an experience we are not likely to forget any time soon. I love that we spent time together, walking in ever-changing groups, or pairs, talking about different things, and dragging each other step by step. I feel a special wedge in my heart for each of the folks on the team, family, friends, and perfect strangers alike. I also feel so overwhelmed by the intense outpouring of support from so, so, so many. Prayers, and midnight phone calls, and visits to the spectator sites...it is quite a great feeling to be part of such a great fellowship. Thanks, y'all.

Oddly enough, the hardest part was actually the check-in process. The shock of being surrounded by thousands of people all in my boat was a bit disconcerting. I got really mad at Laur just then. I looked at all the faces, all the beads people were given to wear to represent thier losses, and it just felt like a kick in the gut. All at once, I felt like I was part of a big group of survivors, and so completely small in my grief. I just kept hearing the words that Chris said, as he walked into the house that night after finding out that Laurie had taken her life..."this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard." That is so much what it felt like. This is so completely stupid. Obviously, the event is a great thing, and the cause desperately needs to be fueled so that change can take place, but it simply felt like the biggest crock of crap that we had to be there. Later, as we walked by all the luminarias that each walker made, and dedicated to a loved one, I got angry all over again.

Look at this, Laurie...you're just not that special. You're a statistic. You're a number, a fact, a paper bag on the sidewalk. You had the world at your feet, and every opportunity to make a damn difference, but instead, you are a strand of beads from a giant heap.

I feel like I may be in a minority, because I am not in a place lately that I want to put Laurie on a pedestal. I am simply not at that place where I am jumping on the bandwagon to rave about how great she was. Mind you, I am certainly not basing all of this feeling on one particular bad decision she made (even though it sure was a doozy) I am taking it within the context of the last year or so of her life. I am feeling very mad at her lately because of the way she lied. She lied to me, to everyone. She said she was well, and happy, and all the other crap like the junk she said on her blog. She looked me in the eye over and over, and told me how much I amazed her, meanwhile not even trusting me enough to let me into her head or heart. It makes me feel like crap, and has done quite a number on my abilities to relate to people that I love. She has given me a raw edge, so that I look a bit more skeptically at those around me. She has made me spend more time wondering who will betray me next, and how, than I ever wanted. That ain't cool. So these days, even if I am alone, I am simply not in the mood to revere all of her. I'm more in the mood to try to find a way to redirect, to find a way to learn just as much from her about how NOT to treat people as I have about how TO treat people. Its quite a fine line, really...

Anyhow, I may have pushed a few buttons, and I am sorry. You know I love the girl, but I am simply not okay with glossing over and shutting down. Take it or leave it...but I'm still here.