I moved home again with my family a few weeks ago, but to explain where I've been means going back so far.
In March I found myself in a psychiatric hospital, but to explain how I got there means going back even farther.
- December, when I decided I didn't want this life, and took off? Further...
- July, when I found myself sinking into the worst depression of my life? Further...
- March of last year, when my sister committed suicide? Further...
- Age 21, when I started dating Tommy, and within 6 weeks decided to pack up my infant son and move across the country with him? Further...
- October 1998, when my Dad dropped dead in the driveway? Further...
- Age 19, when I lived with a lesbian drug dealer in a disgusting house filled with juvenile delinquents? Further...
- January 1997, my first suicide attempt? Further...
- May 1996, when I gave my first child up for adoption? Further...
- High school, where I gave my parents hell at every turn? Further...
- Age 5, when my parents divorced? Further...
- September 7, 1978, where I was born in a gush of blood, blue and lifeless? Further...
"I knit you together in your mother's womb." -Psalm 139:13
I guess the relevance isn't where it starts, but where it is going.
All things considered (and there certainly is plenty to consider here, isn't there?) things are going well today. Today.
Today, I said. That is what I am working on. Yep, I've got lots of Yesterdays to think about, but we'll get to that in a bit. Lord knows there are Tomorrows to plan for and look forward to, but thats gonna have to wait until I master the art of Today.
Today I am working on humility, and gratitude. Today I tell you how sorry I am for what I have done to hurt so many, and how grateful I am to feel forgiveness and compassion. Thank you. Yes, you.
In our home...it feels like I can't explain without going back.
Lets try this. Now I know I have bipolar disorder. The diagnosis was made after I narrowly escaped taking my own life, and finally started talking about the ups and downs in my life, my behaviors and choices. Specifically, how Laurie's death had triggered a deep, deep depression, and spiked back up with an equally scary mania. It was that in that, the worst manic episode I pray I'll ever have, that my mental illness took over everything. It wasn't that I went "psychotic" or "crazy" and turned into one of those people talking to themselves in the subway, it was that my brain turned on me while still letting me think I was in control. I started believing that I could have a different life. I started believing that I was a completely different person, and that the lies I was telling were just a part of the new world I was creating for myself. I still made my own choices, I was still Katie, still conscious...just so far removed from my own values, thoughts, and feelings that it was hard to even identify me. Today, I am back to a baseline. I am diligent in making sure that I get my medications stabilized and keep it that way. I am in counseling twice a week, and as truly painful as it is, I am being fervently truthful and brutally humble there. I have attended bipolar support groups, as hard as they are to pull myself to. I am acutely aware of how powerful this illness is, how it has rocked my world almost beyond repair. I am heavily reliant on and desperately grateful for my family, my mother most especially, for the unrelenting support and refusal to give up on me, even when I was far more than willing to throw in the towel on myself.
And so I am in my home, in my bed, safe. Some parts are coming back gloriously. Some parts of my progress are blooming well, and I am able to be proud of them. For example, my role as a mother. I am feeling confident, and capable, and proud of myself for dealing with my doubts. My kids are happy, and I am relishing my chance to step back into this role smoothly. It is an answer to some serious prayer, by me and many others, I'm sure. God has been good to me, very good.
Today. Tonight. I've gone back so far, and I know what I am looking ahead to.
23 comments:
I LUBFN... always, up... down... always...
So well put, Katie. Your kids are just wonderful. I had such a blast spending the evening with them. Thanks for sharing your sweethearts. You are a great mom and your kids are so lucky to have you back. You can make it. Blessings on you, Tommy, and the kids. Know you're in our prayers daily- that God will give you strength and hope for each new day. Have a great "today".
Lisa
Kate~ I have goosebumps & my heart is filled with joy for you! Although you have a long & difficult road ahead of you, you have come such a long way already. You don't know me but, I have been following your mom's blog (& your story) for quite a while now. You, Tommy & your children have been in my prayers, as well as many other blog readers. And God is working in your lives & for that I am grateful. I will continue to pray for the healing of your family and for you to know the joy you so very much deserve. Please keep us posted on how you are doing :) Welcome home!
Prayed yesterday, praying today, going to pray tomorrow.
Oh Katie, to read your statement of commitment and acknowledgement of the reality of your life, past and present, fills me with such hope and relief for you. I watched bipolar dismantle Jen (remember Jen?) when we were in college, and watched her rebuild herself and her life with the help of therapy and meds and, above all, God, and I know it's not a fun path, but it's the right path Praise be to our loving, gracious Father for his promise to wrap you in his ever-strong arms and support you and Tommy and the kids as you set foot on the road to recovery!
I don't know if I'll be much help, but if Tommy wants someone to talk to about how you live with and support someone with bipolar, I'd be happy to email with him. I did it for 3 years and it was hard as hell, but worth it--especially if it means being able to help someone else through it. :)
We love you, Katie-girl!!!!!
Katie,
You don't know me, but I'm a girl who stumbled on your family's circle of websites. I have prayed for you all and stop by once in a while to see what God is doing, and I just wanted to tell you I am so encouraged by you and how God is restoring your life. Isn't it so amazing how he redeems us and fixes anything broken that we will offer to Him? Thanks for sharing, and I will continue to pray for you.
Thank you so much for your honesty. Your story has defined the reason we pray and the meaning of hope and faith. You and your family are walking proof of God's power and ever present love for us. Praying for your happiness, contentment and continued strength, A Friend
Thanks for sharing. I'm praying for you and I appreciate your transparentcy!
Keep on looking forward, Katie. I know this is going to be sooo hard, but you have such a strong support group, and in Him all things are possible! For both you and Tommy, I am praying, for the utmost strength and perseverance. Lord, hear the prayers of your humble children! Happy Fathers Day to Tommy!!!! :)
A toast to you... and one day at a time. I look forward to reading about how it went in the days to come. Lots of love and prayers being sent your way.
Still here... still praying for you.
I hope today went well. Tomorrow is another day.
Remember the saying -
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I hope your today is great.
Katie and Tommy....May the Lord renew a spirit of love in both of you for each other that you will know is from the Lord. You are both very strong and brave and your commitment will be honored by the Lord. I'm ever so thankful to the Him for hearing the prayers of His people on your behalf.
I will continue to pray for all of you.
In His Love,
Eileen G.
Jeremiah 29:11
Hope today is going well. Keep it up!
Katie this is a very good post. You are "opening up more" witch is a very good thing. It is one of the only things that will really help. Just remember that we are all here for you. Keep up the good work!
Love you Katie. Savored every word you wrote. Thinking of you today, this moment. Have been pondering, of late, the extraordinary wealth of consolation found in the words, "His strength is perfected in our weakness." So thankful that is true. Only a God who gives beauty for ashes could make that work. Am giving you an enormous hug in my heart right now.
Deb
Katie~ Just wanted you to know we're still praying for you & Tommy. Take it one day at a time & let God be your guide :)
thanks for sharing katie, you have such a beautiful way with words. and i'm sure even words can't do justice to what you're facing right now. still thinking about and praying for you and tommy and those precious children of yours!
much love.
Sweet Katie...you are SO on your way. I've posted to you before, and I continue to monitor your blog and pray for your continued achievements. You are a lucky lady, my dear. Your husband is a lucky man and your children will hold these moments you spend with them so dearly. Keep your heart in front of you and hold your head high..! Congratulations on every little step, they each will add up to a long and wonderful journey! Blessing to you all-
Camille
Hi Katie
I am happy you are both committed. Tommy has always been committed. Be good to him. He is an incredible man and father. I can't bear to see him hurt any deeper, but in the end I know that he is there because he loves you!
Katie,
Prayers, prayers and more prayers are going your way. Hold tight. Just one day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time. You are so loved ... by so many.
Post a Comment