I have sat here at my computer so many times, wanting to express but having no way to get words to form. I thought back to my very first blog post, my very first words typed..."Its not that I don't know how to do this, its just that I don't know how to do this. The typing is easy, it is the words that won't come."
I want to tell you where I've been, and what I've done. I want to tell you what I have seen and thought and said. I want to tell you so much, and I just can't seem to find those words.
What I can tell you is that I am here. I am trying to get out from under myself, and look for life again. I am trying to seek forgiveness, and sort out the thousands of messes I have made. Its hard, and its ugly, and honestly, I don't know how or if I can do it. I guess I am just counting on a God that is bigger than me to guide me through it...
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ar·gil·la·ceous: Containing, made of, or resembling clay.
13 comments:
Dear Katie,
I don't know you but I am praying for you. Please know that god will always love and forgive you as will your family, feed off there strength, Till you can get more and always know you are loved and prayed for even in NY.
Lisa =)
You will get through this. You will find joy. You will be the woman you want to be. You will smile and laugh and chase your kids around the backyard. You will grow up with them. You will tell them about how once you were lost and how you "Got Found". You will forgive youself. You are worth it. You are loved. Hold you head up and know that nothing is greater then his love. One day at a time. We are all walking one day at a time.
Wow, Katie...I'm a reader of your mom's since the beginning of this blog, and now I'm writing directly to you. This is awesome!
Something else that is awesome is the way I read you reaching inside yourself to get through the pain you are enduring. You so definitely know more about yourself than anyone can even pretend to, and yet you get these anonymous posts professing your failures. Katie, you are NOT failing! You are succeeding everytime you go into your heart & mind and try to sort out what happened...it doesn't matter when it happened, where it happened, but you are searching to clean what has been tarnished and NO GOD would ever discount your love or your efforts for that! Without knowing you, I am so proud of you for taking the steps, be them large or small, because you are showing yourself that you matter. You are showing your children, your husband, your family, that you matter...and I believe that each of them wants you to be YOU because that is who they know and love. I can say that I have been where you are in terms of searching, deeply. I have lost: my mom at age 49...long before my marriage and births of two beautiful daughters whom she would have adored, My Nana, (mom's mom)...also long before my girls were born and whom also would have adored them, and my best friend, at age 45...from a heart attack he wouldn't acknowledge with medical attention-- and I found his lifeless body. Reading these words back as I type them really doesn't do the loss of these amazing people justice. But know that I have searched and searched and searched at various times both during their illnesses, after their deaths and in the faces of my beautiful daughters for answers that I may never get. I suffice it to say that the questions will someday be answered, the joy that's been stolen will return, and the culmination of this life we live is with more love and purpose than we will ever comprehend. I've written through your mom's site to you before, and I will say these words to you again, directly...Fight with everything you have to get your self back to where you left it. What we have in front of us now is what matters...Live each day--really--LIVE each day and see the beauty. The darkness that creeps in is just a reminder that you have work to do. And you CAN do it, Katie!
With Blessings-
Camille
I'm so glad you are back. I'm so happy you are working your way through life. I believe in you.
I've read your Mom's weblog and I've been able to peek into her life that she shares with the internet universe. I have discerned you are a great mom, a great daughter and a great wife, a great sister.. now it's time to be just for you.
I believe you are making it now :) and your future is bright. Thank you for being brave enough to post again. I admire you.
Thinking of you.
You are braver than you ever imagined you could be: You're still here. You're still breathing. You will always be loved. By more people than you've ever dreamed you could be. Even by people you don't even know.
Peace.
I am so Happy that your back!
I too found you from your Mother's blog and like so many other's have said, while I don't know you I know some of your struggle.
Katie, your words are amazing, have you ever considered writing professionally? You have a real gift here and I bet many others!
Your words are power and you can take that power and tap into it so you can hear yourself and reconnect with you, the REAL you. I've been on that journey myself and it seems so odd to write these deeply personal comments to someone I've never met yet feel a kinship with.
Looking forward to more of your writing!
Hello Katie - I too have found you through your mom's blog. What an amazing mom and family you have! I have not been in your situation but have been in a pretty dark place myself. Know that God is ALWAYS with you and you are totally worth living the life He has planned for you. I believe that you have begun the process of "finding" yourself. It may be a long road but know that it is worth it. Healing does take time and it's not always pretty or easy but knowing that you have family and friends to love and support you and a God that totally believes in you makes it alittle easier. I will continue to keep you and your family in my daily prayers and I look forward to reading more of your thoughts as you continue to find Katie.
said a prayer for you today katie.
love
shelly
Love you Kates
Katie,
I wonder how you are doing with that writers block? Just write what is in your head and let it come out.
love and prayers to you,
Natalie
Hey Katie -
Please know that I have been praying for you so much and so long. Pretty soon after I moved to Denver (last August) we got connected into an amazing little church community. The pastor (32 years old) just lost one of his best friends to suicide 2 years ago. So, we connected about this and about Laurie... The pastors meet for prayer every Tuesday night and I can't remember how long ago (several months) I asked them to pray for your Mom & you etc. etc. Anyhow, so I keep them updated regularly with prayer requests. All this to say that one night after we had watched a movie at Michael's house (pastor) he asked "How is Katie doing?" I think this was mid-March. And I just thought how amazing it was that here I was in this guys house 1,000 miles from Chicago and he is asking me how Katie is doing. Just amazing the love that God is pouring out on us - you know? - that He is loving you through the love and prayers of strangers! Keep pressing on Katie - you are a truly amazing woman. You are in a hard battle but the resilience you have shown is amazing and you - (with God's help & strength) can do it. Allow Him to lavish His love on you and be your strength... allow grace and forgiveness for yourself - He has already given that to you -- but you may need to allow it for yourself as well! Know that you are loved, prayed for & supported. Ignore the lies Satan wants to fill your mind with and live and push through as God's beloved daughter!
anxious to hear what's going on. praying here, now, tommorow
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