First steps...

Yep, there were first steps this week, but no, they weren't the babies. (Although the twins did have some very important "firsts" last week...they went to their first Cubs game with Jay and I, and they got their first real food, if you want to count rice cereal as "real food!")

No, I mean first steps in my journey to seek grace, forgiveness, health. I don't know that I can really put a finger on it, but somewhere along the line, I finally decided that I needed to find these things for myself. I have been so wrapped up in penance that I forgot that penance doesn't matter. I could spend a lifetime trying to make up for my mistakes and choices and never move a single step forward. I finally think I am beginning to grasp the idea that I need to go where it counts, in the soul that God gave me, and that is where healing is going to happen. It is never going to happen in these earthly relationships, or these worldly movements to prove myself worthy...as a mother, a daughter, a friend, a partner.

Sure, I need to make peace in these areas, and commit to earning trust again where trust needs to be re-earned, but I cannot expect that there will be a magic moment of forgiveness that will make anything different. I cannot pretend that I can change the past, or that it would even matter if I could.

What I need is to learn to GIVE grace, to GRANT forgiveness, to SEEK health. There are relationships in my life, very important ones, that I feel are worth rescuing, and in order to get there, I am going to have to get to the dirty stuff in me...give myself grace, forgiveness, healthy choices. I will not give up on me, on love, on my kids. There is love, and grace, for sure...