I've been struggling with what to do with all this anger. It feels so huge, but I am afraid that if it goes away, it might be replaced with more sadness than I know how to handle. I've been screaming into pillows, and beating the life out of Denver's whack-a mole game (sorry, Squirt, if it doesn't work the same anymore) and trying very hard to speak my rage out loud. And I've been praying really, really hard. Last night I was on my knees, asking God to take away my fury, and put something nicer there, and to make me not want to feel like I want to punch people so much. I told Him how when I think of some people, and how they made my sister feel, I get so mad, and self-righteous, and could He help me to not be like them.
And that is where God had to use a sharp tone with me. He pressed rather firmly to my heart, and reminded me that those are His precious children I am talking about, made in His image, and more treasured than I can imagine, and no, I most certainly did not have the right to think of them that way.
So I am working on it. I know my anger is not going to disappear, but at least I can try to direct it to a place that is honoring to Him. So today when I prayed, I asked God to help me turn my own anger into compassion. I hate it, but I am going to have to turn my other tear stained cheek to this world. I'm going to have to start praying for the very same people that I feel like screaming at.
Now if that isn't submitting to God's plan instead of my own, I'm not sure what is.
By the way, I'm sorry for the pain I brought in my past. It's way too tender on my heart to get into right now, but I just wanted to make sure you know I'd take it all back if I could...
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7 comments:
And only know how much I love you. If all, all, all the 26 year old women in the world were lined up, I would keep walking and walking and walking until I found you. Then I would pick you up and swing you around and say "Here is my beloved Katie!"
Katie,
I am so proud of your character. I wouldn't change one moment of your past. For better or worse, each choice we make shapes who we become. I think you have become a God honoring woman that I can look up to.
Katie
Amen to everything you said. I really don't know how to turn any of my anger into compassion so I'm hoping that God intervenes pretty quickly. E-mail me at Dignan1225@aol.com when you get a chance.
-DB
katie - don't waste your time regretting your past. as you know, life is too short and there's no use wasting precious time dwelling on things you can't change. instead, devote that time and energy to focusing on your present, no matter how painful right now, and your future. grieve for your sister and your past, heal yourself and your wounds, forgive yourself and your youth, love yourself and those around you.
Perhaps more than anger, I have such regret. What could have been; what most certainly should have been. I think of myself as a pretty good mom to my children; I think of your mom as "the best" mom, because she has so carefully and lovingly embraced Scott as part of your family. In times of loss, it is hard to find the good parts. Please take a moment to step back and realize how blessed you are to have your mom and Pete to hold you all together.
i wouldn't want you to take it back my beautiful sister. We learned as much from you in those years as we did when the little one came bounding into this world. You have courage katie. To speak. To act. You run with life and YOU choose your coarse even when decisions get tough. I'm proud. And I'd keep you as is forever. But I'm so excited to share the million more ways we'll grow...Love you like crazy till it hurts.
Oh Katie...You are such a beautiful woman. If none of us made mistakes and were perfect in everyway, Christ would have died in vain. We are ALL diamonds in the rough and it is those sharp edges that create the beautiful cuts in a diamond. You are so precious and the Lord is using you in ways you will never totally understand. Thank you for your sincere heart and honesty. I continue to pray for you and your family. Hope your little guy is better.
In His Love,
Eileen G.
(Jeremiah 29:11).
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