Holy crap...It's MINE! I watch the "hit counter" at the bottom every so often, since Drew put it there for me a few weeks ago. Over 4000 hits, so it isn't a big surprise to me that y'all are out there, sneaking a peek into my brain. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't put it all up here if I didn't want anyone to see it, but still, the point remains, and apparently, must be clarified: THIS IS MY BLOG. This is a place for me to express my feelings, get my stuff out of my head and into words. I very much appreciate and it is helping me so very much to see all the encouragement that so many of you offer in your comments, but the truth of the matter is that even if no one in the whole world ever read this stuff, it wouldn't matter. What matters is that I have a safe (or thought I did, anyways) place, a place that is absolutely mine, for nobody else in the whole world. At the risk of being called a "know it all" like my brilliant, beautiful sister-in-law Cheryl (though I'd be in excellent company for sure!) I looked up the definition of pity in Webster's, and it reads "sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy." If I have unduly caused any of you to feel that for me, please know, that is not my intention. My intention is simply to express the brokenness I feel in losing my little sister, and the journey of grieving her, and living my own life...in my own way. I am not trying to elicit anyone's pity, I am simply putting my own words out there, to get them out of my head.
On the other hand, if you are somehow offended by what I am feeling, I'd really like you to know that my goal is not to inflame, but to express. So if something I write offends you, I am probably sorry (unless of course you are an a-hole, in which case I couldn't care less.)
With that out of the way, I'd like to ponder a moment one of the things I have inherited from my mother. Like her, I hate bullies. The thing about a bully that is so disturbing is that they get joy from someone else's misery. They enjoy hurting people, and get great satisfaction from taking someone who is already weakened and broken, and kicking them further down. Bullies are proud of themselves when they are able to inflict more pain on someone who is already suffering. Bullies, like those two "family" members at my sister's wake, and like the "anonymous" commenter on the post I wrote about my dad, and the "anonymous" commenter on my mom's blog about Laurie's stuff, those people are proud of themselves that they have shown no compassion. They are pleased with themselves for having brought even more pain to a grieving family. Bullies are cruel.
But there is one thing that has given me hope today, even when I cried my eyes out. It occurred to me that while I was so sad that people were willing to stoop so low, they were not willing to reveal their identity. What that said to me was that even they knew they were doing wrong, and they were too ashamed to even sign their own name to it. It gave me enough hope to stop, and just turn it over to God. I let Him take away the sting of those words, and asked Him to help me forgive, and help them to be gentle. And if this feeling comes back again tomorrow, well I'll do the same again. Until then, there are actual things to be dealt with, important things, real things. Things that matter...
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9 comments:
I often think about taking the counter off of mine. I often think about quitting that blog. It is weird how people think you are stuck in the precise moment of what you write or what they interpret you are saying. Sometimes it makes me happy not to write because less people frequent my blog then. They drop off...Anyways you are a vibrant-passionate woman! I would never think that you write to get everyone to feel 'sorry for you' or something of the sort. I think at least speaking for me...I feel with you or become a companion on the trip. I wish it was not this trip but I'm not going to go passing around the blame today...Luv ya Luv yer face!!!
I just got off the phone w/you and I still feel there is more left to say....dont listen to those a--holes who dont appreciate your feelings. There are plenty of people who do! Write what you want..there are enough of us who want to hear it, and enough of us who want to support you. Those who dont should just look into their hearts and imagine how it would feel like if they were in your shoes and keep their selfish feelings to themselves.
Katie- when I read that same comment on your Mom's most recent blog earlier this evening I was inflamed (nice way to say REALLY pissed)... I was so loving what the doc from Florida said... you have the right to grieve ANY way you want... You could call your blog "Soliciting Self Pity" and do that in every entry and that would be JUST FINE... it pisses me off that anyone would judge you & ASSUME your motives... I don't at all see you as soliciting self pity - I see you honestly and authentically processing... (like I said, who cares if you were soliciting self-pity anyhow) The definition of pity that you shared doesn't sound bad anyhow... ALSO- that person should learn a basic, basic fact - one of the 1st things I learned in counseling - no one can MAKE you feel any certain way... so that is in fact, their problem... may I suggest they need to spend some time in self-examination and counseling - I know I sure have & continue to.
I actually have an entry called "Pity Party" and welcomed people to join in with me or not! Like you said earlier... this is BIG BIG BIG and people that want to judge your healing, grief & chaos... maybe they should back off...
** Bullies suck. **
Press on Katie! - Jackie
Katie - OK, you shed the light I needed. Thank you so much. This part of the body of Christ was truly aching for you and Barb and Greg last night. (Interesting that, as we've never even met.)
Just had to say that as I read your entry this a.m., I was struck by this thought: "How like our Father for you to issue such irrefutable, rock-solid truth, perfectly tempered with compassion for the blatant ignorance of the 'mystery' blogger." (They should nonetheless hang their proud head in shame.)
No getting around it--that shocking post on Barb's blog begged a scathing bully-rebuke. And how eloquently you stepped up to the plate--with boldness, and overcoming Jesus-love. Dazzling! My heart needed to be reminded...
I often take encouragement from this 4-line refrain, penned by a 16th century believer:
"Measure thy life by loss, not by gain.
Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured out.
For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice.
And he that suffereth most, hath most to give."
You've probably no concept of how much you're giving Katie. (Oh, and rock on Jackie!)
Debbi Dunlap
Jacksonville, Florida
I love/hate these blogs. I love seeing the words of the family and friends I love. I hate seeing the pain but then I know how to pray. I love the words of encouragement that build up. I hate the words that kncok down and condemn (and bully).
Debi, our new friend from FL, sees our hearts and hurts. She is right. I ached last night as I went ot bed thinking why some seem to get pleasure in knocking us around. Bue then I remembered the passage we found yesterday,Katie. (Using probably the worst method of all in Bible research...just open it up and read what is before your eyes.)
But here it is: Psalm 17
I won't type it all out but I encourage readers to read it. My Life Application Study Bible describes the theme this way: A plea for justice in the face of false accusations and persecution. David urges us to realize the true goal of life-to know God-and the true reward of life-to see God one day. God gave us the exact words we needed, you needed, Katie. Your heart shines.
I love you. Mom
i pray for you're entire family and think about you all often.
it pains me to see you all this way and i dont even know you.
we often forget how short life here on earth is. we get to spend eternity in heaven with our God and those we have lost.
eternity is forever! (haha its like that diamond commercial). but it really is forever. God will help us get through these tortourous days on earth, but we must remember years are nothing compared to eternity. so we take the good days with the bad and get through this life with the support of our God and loved ones.
keep trucking bonciminos! God is walking with you every step of the way.
your blog is a gift. people who don't appreciate it don't deserve to read it. thank you for sharing your heart through this journey as we all struggle to process and grieve. you (and this blog) bless people more than you will know.
Oh, Katie! You are precious to me and I affirm all the ways in which you grieve; we are truly all so different not just in our expressions but in the magnitude and intensity of grief. Of course it is ridiculous for anyone to judge your expression; that's like saying you are wrong for being hungry and eating. It is what it is and you are where you are and I am where I am and somehow we are in this together.
I love your keen awareness of yourself and appreciate the courage it takes to put the pieces of your broken heart into words. I recognize my own pain in those words. I relate and identify with the anguish and to some extent am comforted by knowing that I am not isolated in my grief. Strange, but true.
Thank you for allowing me to participate in a small way in your own process. Thank you for allowing me to experience this through your eyes. Please don't stop writing, my beautiful sister-in-law-and-in-heart.
With much love and admiration~
people suck. Usually they send me e-mails. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, ruin my workday with their judgmental crud. I don't really understand what's so hard about the concept... if you dont' like someone's site, if you don't agree with it... MOVE THE HELL ON. Instead of showing what a shallow a--hole you are. It's like there's something crying out deep inside them for attention. that's probably what it is, actually. They just need to feel right and superior. I'd say 'dont worry about it' but come on, we're human, we all worry about what people say. But I will say this... you can live safely with the knowledge in your heart that they're stupid and obviously have nothing larger than trying to harsh other people's mellows in their tiny little lives. You're also entitled to know that other people are just on the same page as you. that yes, it SUCKS. It sucks beyond the telling of it. But we keep trying.
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