I have a plank in my eye...

There is a sizable plank in my eye, and do you know what word is engraved on it? Gossip.

I was talking with a friend of mine today, and it was great fun. We caught up on some details of each other's lives, reminisced about old times, and slowly but surely, the old "did you hear about so-and-so?" stuff started. After a few minutes, though, my friend stopped midsentence. She had just started to say something about a common friend, and how we should pray for her, and suddenly, there was silence on the other end. She then told me that we needed to talk about something else, because this was going down a nasty path...Gossip. She has been working on that particular plank-in-the-eye within herself, and it got me to thinking...do I gossip too much? I found this in an old InterVarsity book of mine, and it put things into a bright light for me:

"'Of all the gossiping,' John Wesley once said, 'religious gossiping is the worst. It adds hypocrisy to uncharitableness and effectually does the work of the devil in the name of the Lord.'

Wesley's judgment of gossip, though severe, simply echoes the biblical one. The Apostle Paul feared the power of gossip to destroy the Church (2 Corinthians 12:20), and he didn't hesitate to list gossips right alongside God-haters, murderers, and others who deserved death for their wickedness (Romans 1:29-32).

Yet even though the Bible's condemnation of the habit is plain, gossip tends to be a perennial sin in Christian small groups. Why is this so? The problem seems to crop up, of course, whenever folks get together for any reason. But the close relationships, intimate atmosphere, and abundant conversation of small groups provide an especially fertile ground for discussion of those who aren't present. Add to that setting the typical excuse of "Christian concern," and you have the potential to kill the atmosphere of trust in a group and hurt someone deeply. "

It seems to me that gossip is a slippery slope, and I want to work on getting to some solid ground.

Thanks, Stacey, for giving me that kick in the pants. Love you!

The birthday boy! 

Sleepy... 

Hey look, it's a doodle! 

Happy Birthday, Isaiah! 

Last call...

Howdy, everybody. This is going to be a pretty brief post, so don't get all excited. We've had a long day at Tommy's company picnic (which was great fun, even though the Cafe Ba Ba Reeba softball team lost in the first round. He had fun coaching, though, and the kids and I enjoyed watching them play!) The kids are all tucked into bed (not that it means anything...they'll be out a million more times before they actually sleep) and Tommy and I are going to watch a movie and relax. Overall, though, I just wanted to let y'all know that things are going really well. Many prayers are being answered, but please don't stop now!

Anyhow, what I did want to say is that I am changing my cell phone number, but it is somewhat of a bigger deal than just that. The number that I am changing it to is Laurie's old number, as I will be taking over her line. My parents have continued paying for it since she died, but we all sorta felt it was time to let go of that aspect, and since I was planning to cancel my line, it just felt right. What this means to the average joe, however, is that her voicemail will be replaced by my own in a few days, so I wanted to let all her friends and family that might read this blog know, and give y'all a chance to hear her voice and call her phone one last time. (oh, and for the record, my stepdad was able to record it, so we do have it for posterity.) So, if you'd like to, go ahead and call, I won't answer for a few more days (my old phone is active for a few more, if you actually need to speak to me!) I'm sure you understand, I'd prefer not to post my phone number up here for privacy's sake, but if don't still have it, you can email me or my mom, and we can pass it along. (nursekatie1@hotmail.com is my address)

Hope y'all are well, and please know that we pray just as much for our "prayer team" as you have for us!

Today (otherwise known as the History of my Future.)

Where do I start this story?

I moved home again with my family a few weeks ago, but to explain where I've been means going back so far.

In March I found myself in a psychiatric hospital, but to explain how I got there means going back even farther.

• December, when I decided I didn't want this life, and took off? Further...
• July, when I found myself sinking into the worst depression of my life? Further...
• March of last year, when my sister committed suicide? Further...
• Age 21, when I started dating Tommy, and within 6 weeks decided to pack up my infant son and move across the country with him? Further...
• October 1998, when my Dad dropped dead in the driveway? Further...
• Age 19, when I lived with a lesbian drug dealer in a disgusting house filled with juvenile delinquents? Further...
• January 1997, my first suicide attempt? Further...
• May 1996, when I gave my first child up for adoption? Further...
• High school, where I gave my parents hell at every turn? Further...
• Age 5, when my parents divorced? Further...
• September 7, 1978, where I was born in a gush of blood, blue and lifeless? Further...

"I knit you together in your mother's womb." -Psalm 139:13

I guess the relevance isn't where it starts, but where it is going.

All things considered (and there certainly is plenty to consider here, isn't there?) things are going well today. Today.

Today, I said. That is what I am working on. Yep, I've got lots of Yesterdays to think about, but we'll get to that in a bit. Lord knows there are Tomorrows to plan for and look forward to, but thats gonna have to wait until I master the art of Today.

Today I am working on humility, and gratitude. Today I tell you how sorry I am for what I have done to hurt so many, and how grateful I am to feel forgiveness and compassion. Thank you. Yes, you.

In our home...it feels like I can't explain without going back.

Lets try this. Now I know I have bipolar disorder. The diagnosis was made after I narrowly escaped taking my own life, and finally started talking about the ups and downs in my life, my behaviors and choices. Specifically, how Laurie's death had triggered a deep, deep depression, and spiked back up with an equally scary mania. It was that in that, the worst manic episode I pray I'll ever have, that my mental illness took over everything. It wasn't that I went "psychotic" or "crazy" and turned into one of those people talking to themselves in the subway, it was that my brain turned on me while still letting me think I was in control. I started believing that I could have a different life. I started believing that I was a completely different person, and that the lies I was telling were just a part of the new world I was creating for myself. I still made my own choices, I was still Katie, still conscious...just so far removed from my own values, thoughts, and feelings that it was hard to even identify me. Today, I am back to a baseline. I am diligent in making sure that I get my medications stabilized and keep it that way. I am in counseling twice a week, and as truly painful as it is, I am being fervently truthful and brutally humble there. I have attended bipolar support groups, as hard as they are to pull myself to. I am acutely aware of how powerful this illness is, how it has rocked my world almost beyond repair. I am heavily reliant on and desperately grateful for my family, my mother most especially, for the unrelenting support and refusal to give up on me, even when I was far more than willing to throw in the towel on myself.

And so I am in my home, in my bed, safe. Some parts are coming back gloriously. Some parts of my progress are blooming well, and I am able to be proud of them. For example, my role as a mother. I am feeling confident, and capable, and proud of myself for dealing with my doubts. My kids are happy, and I am relishing my chance to step back into this role smoothly. It is an answer to some serious prayer, by me and many others, I'm sure. God has been good to me, very good.

Today. Tonight. I've gone back so far, and I know what I am looking ahead to.

I have sat here at my computer so many times, wanting to express but having no way to get words to form. I thought back to my very first blog post, my very first words typed..."Its not that I don't know how to do this, its just that I don't know how to do this. The typing is easy, it is the words that won't come."

I want to tell you where I've been, and what I've done. I want to tell you what I have seen and thought and said. I want to tell you so much, and I just can't seem to find those words.

What I can tell you is that I am here. I am trying to get out from under myself, and look for life again. I am trying to seek forgiveness, and sort out the thousands of messes I have made. Its hard, and its ugly, and honestly, I don't know how or if I can do it. I guess I am just counting on a God that is bigger than me to guide me through it...

Waiting. Patient. Hopeful. Faithful.

Drive away the cold from this winter soul
and renew your spirit in me
Let the rain fall sweet from your mercy seat
and remind me that you never will forget
to wash away the bitter in the end...

'Cause we all reach for something
don't we?
we do
Live and breathe this one thing
don't we?
we do

I know you're there just beyond this prayer
and I believe you silent as you are
This emptiness is not purposeless
It is only thirst compelling us to drink
Only questions find the answers that we seek

Every atom in me waits- every breath anticipates
Lord if this is what it takes I'll sit right here with you...