Laurie reading her maid of honor toast to us at our wedding!  

Oh, the places you'll go...

Hey y'all. Before I get to the nitty gritty, I would first like to take a moment to direct your attention to the blog of my super cousin, Mandy. She is prayerfully hunting for a new assistant, and I figured since we have the ability to network, why don't we? Check it out, and get the word out, if you'd be so kind! http://pixiethawts.blogspot.com/
(um, yeah, I don't know how to put a link in all smooth like Drew-the-Pooh.)

Anyways, I wanted to share a story, just because. Kinda sad, but kinda not. A few weeks ago, Tommy and I had the chance to get away for a weekend, to go the wedding of a friend in St Louis. We had a blast, and the wedding was beautiful. Honestly, there were a few moments during the ceremony that I couldn't help but think about the fact that I would never see my sister get married, but it was cool because if you cry at a wedding, nobody stares! The big punch-to-the-gut moment came during the reception. We all sat down, and the toasts began. The best man was great, he had us all in stitches, and then the maid of honor. She started by saying that she was very nervous, and so she had recruited all the bridesmaids to help her. And then, she picked up a book and started reciting the words. She got about 4 words out before Tommy and I simultaneously squeezed each other's hands in that desperate "ouch, this is gonna hurt" sort of way. We were both instantly brought back to our wedding day. Laurie was my maid of honor, and the toast she gave us, was a reading of the book "Oh, the places you'll go" by Dr Suess...The same book that the bridesmaids took turns reading out of. I only made it about 15 seconds, before I quietly excused myself to sob uncontrollably in the ladies room.

The good news is that my sister-in-law, Julie joined me a few minutes later, and was so great about letting me cry, and blab to her. After getting it all out, I actually felt good, like I could still feel Laurie's touch on my life. We went back in, had a great meal, fantastic fun with friends, and cut the rug so hard we nearly passed out. (Tommy is a great dancer, in case you've never seen him in action! We rocked that floor hard!)

Anyhow, hope all is well... I'm off to read the amazing transcription that Laurie wrote in the copy she read from and gave to us as a gift, then read the book, and ponder the places I'll go...

PS One last tidbit...I'm no longer a blonde! My wonderful cousin Molly made a special trip to help repair the craziness on Friday! Molly, you're the best...even if you laughed really hard at first! Oh, as promised, I have written you into my will. You'll get all three of our kids, our dog, our cat, our fish, and our lawnmower...What do you mean you are so glad I am in such good health?!? Love you oodles, gorgeous! And speaking of cousins, Mandy and Heidi were awesome with the kids! They can't wait to sleep over again, so we'll just have to set up another event! (wink wink!)

Fine. For the "so-called-friends" who keep wondering if our camera still works. You win. Jerks. Wow, now that I look at it, I almost look normal...maybe not so much! By the way, see on the braids, where it looks like a golden color? THAT IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN REAL LIFE!!! They are the same barely-a-hint-of-yellow color as the top of my head! Yikes!

I am such a girl!!!

WARNING: There is no point to this blog entry whatsoever! There will be absolutely no insightful words, inspiring thoughts, or even a mention of anything profound. It is simply a temper tantrum, full-blown, kicking and screaming, about the stupidest and shallowest thing in the world. Forgive me in advance!

Why?!? Why did I let myself do this?!? Why on earth did I ever stand at the end of the hair color aisle at Target and pause for even a second?!? Why didn't I call someone to let them talk me out of this first?!? Why?!?

Yes, folks, I have done something stupid. Very, very stupid. I have taken a lovely head full of pretty strawberry blond hair...and turned it platinum. I dyed it not once, BUT TWICE!!! What the heck is wrong with me?!? I bought a box of ultra light blonde, and decided to do it last week. Well, halfway through the process I glanced in the mirror and freaked! I grabbed the shower head, and frantically rinsed. However, that was a dumb move. Stopping midway gave me a weird gold-yellow color which I hated. So what did I do? I went out and bought another box!!! DUH!!! (please excuse me for one moment while I bang my head on the wall.) Well, it is blonde. Very blonde. Gwen Stefani. Christina Aguilera. Paris Hilton. Pamela Anderson. Blonde, blonde, blonde!!! I am platinum! I don't want to be platinum!!!

Yes, I have already called my brilliant cousin Molly, the hair stylist/master, who will most likely be written into my will. The one thing I have been pretty much informed of for certain is that whatever we do, we will have to wait a couple of weeks, so I don't have to go bald (which doesn't sound that bad right now!!!)

Now I need to go stare at myself in the mirror for awhile, while wailing away. Why?!?! Why, Katie, why?!?

Hope y'all are well and normal-haired.

A gulp of fresh air...

Aaahhh. It is just simply so sad that all it takes for me to be right with the world again is to get a new internet service provider! Before I get to business on the good stuff, allow me to take one second and put some info out there for my nearest and dearest (which of course is all of you!) First, we changed our email, hopefully for the last time! Tommy is undecided still, but my new address is nursekatie1@comcast.net, so go ahead and update your address books, and to make me feel warm and fuzzy, shoot me an email too! Secondly, since we were so fed up with AT&T regarding our DSL, we decided to simply bite the bullet and ditch our land line altogether, and run with the hip crowd that relies solely on cell phones! If you don't have our numbers, and need them, email me, o-tay?

On that note, it seems that there is once again so much to catch up on that it can't really be done. The overnight walk, for one, was astounding. Painful in several ways, but overall, an experience we are not likely to forget any time soon. I love that we spent time together, walking in ever-changing groups, or pairs, talking about different things, and dragging each other step by step. I feel a special wedge in my heart for each of the folks on the team, family, friends, and perfect strangers alike. I also feel so overwhelmed by the intense outpouring of support from so, so, so many. Prayers, and midnight phone calls, and visits to the spectator sites...it is quite a great feeling to be part of such a great fellowship. Thanks, y'all.

Oddly enough, the hardest part was actually the check-in process. The shock of being surrounded by thousands of people all in my boat was a bit disconcerting. I got really mad at Laur just then. I looked at all the faces, all the beads people were given to wear to represent thier losses, and it just felt like a kick in the gut. All at once, I felt like I was part of a big group of survivors, and so completely small in my grief. I just kept hearing the words that Chris said, as he walked into the house that night after finding out that Laurie had taken her life..."this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard." That is so much what it felt like. This is so completely stupid. Obviously, the event is a great thing, and the cause desperately needs to be fueled so that change can take place, but it simply felt like the biggest crock of crap that we had to be there. Later, as we walked by all the luminarias that each walker made, and dedicated to a loved one, I got angry all over again.

Look at this, Laurie...you're just not that special. You're a statistic. You're a number, a fact, a paper bag on the sidewalk. You had the world at your feet, and every opportunity to make a damn difference, but instead, you are a strand of beads from a giant heap.

I feel like I may be in a minority, because I am not in a place lately that I want to put Laurie on a pedestal. I am simply not at that place where I am jumping on the bandwagon to rave about how great she was. Mind you, I am certainly not basing all of this feeling on one particular bad decision she made (even though it sure was a doozy) I am taking it within the context of the last year or so of her life. I am feeling very mad at her lately because of the way she lied. She lied to me, to everyone. She said she was well, and happy, and all the other crap like the junk she said on her blog. She looked me in the eye over and over, and told me how much I amazed her, meanwhile not even trusting me enough to let me into her head or heart. It makes me feel like crap, and has done quite a number on my abilities to relate to people that I love. She has given me a raw edge, so that I look a bit more skeptically at those around me. She has made me spend more time wondering who will betray me next, and how, than I ever wanted. That ain't cool. So these days, even if I am alone, I am simply not in the mood to revere all of her. I'm more in the mood to try to find a way to redirect, to find a way to learn just as much from her about how NOT to treat people as I have about how TO treat people. Its quite a fine line, really...

Anyhow, I may have pushed a few buttons, and I am sorry. You know I love the girl, but I am simply not okay with glossing over and shutting down. Take it or leave it...but I'm still here.

A drop in the ocean...

It's been awhile, and I'm not altogether in the mood for a fantastic quilt of words, so I'm just going to throw my patchwork heart on the table, and hope the stitches hold...

I'm feeling desperately small lately, like an ant viewed from the roof of a skyscraper. I'm not saying I feel unimportant, not at all. I guess I feel more like a single bolt on a space shuttle. We've all seen Apollo 13, and know what happens if even one tiny screw is missing, so I feel like I definitely have a mission, and a purpose for being here, it is just that I feel...well, small. In the midst of terrorist attacks, and missing children found dead, and hurricanes forcing people to abandon everything they know...I feel small. Perhaps overwhelmed is a good adjective, too. Its as though I see a world chock full of things that need to be done, and communities that need aid, and people to be loved, and all I can think of is "whew, that's a lot." Not exactly a jump start on saving the world, is it?

I feel like I am so small. A mere blip on the radar of the earth. I don't mean this to sound selfish, or uncompassionate, but as I sat in prayer today, all I could think of was how small I feel. "I am so small, Lord. I'm just a girl who has so much to be thankful for, so I understand that you're busy, too busy for a small girl. There are people in the world who need you today, so it's okay."

And then I sat there for approximately 30 seconds before He answered. Yup, He responded to me in a clear way. I hit play on the CD player, and the shuffler picked a song, one called "No Ocean Deep Enough" by Paul Alan. Allow me to share the lyrics...

Have you any idea how beautiful you are…
That in a million years I could not love you more
Like the sun can only shine so bright in the auburn sky
And you will never be abandoned
I will never leave you stranded
I would die to find a way to reach you…

There is no ocean deep enough
No mountain high or steep enough to keep me away from you
There is no highway long enough,
No river wide or strong enough to keep me away from you

When are you going to believe like I believe in you?
If love is a lie then there is no truth
So I'll hang it all on the wire and follow you anywhere
You don't have to be lonely or look very hard to find me
I'll be walking on your stormy sea

I know your feeling lost sometimes
I know you're losing sleep at night
Faith is hard to find and prayers are crashing to the floor
And you wonder what you're praying for

And there it was, a "Dear Katie, Love God" message. Just as I was beginning to feel too small for God, I was reminded how BIG He is. Pretty darn cool, huh? Small as I am, the creator of the universe wants to spend an afternoon hitting garage sales with me and my mom and my kids.

Now, if you don't mind... there are some "sparrows" that I know that I need to pray for...

Would someone please give Tom Cruise a Xanax?!?

And other random thoughts that have popped into my head for the last two weeks...

So our DSL has been out for almost two weeks, and frankly, I thought I was going crazy a few times (as if I needed a nudge in that direction!) Not nearly as mind blowing as being in a different country for a year, but it did put a new perspective on how glad I am to be able to email, and blog, and find out what new retarded thing Tom Cruise has said each day.

Overall, I am doing...fair. Busy, emotional, frazzled...fair. Summer classes have begun, and as much as I try, I simply cannot make myself give a rat's ass about microbiology. Mind-blowing, I know, but bacteria simply do not thrill me. On the other hand, it's only two days a week now, and I am in good company, and it gives me 12 hours a week in a place where nobody calls me mommy. I guess now that I think about it, it's a decent break. (Man, you know you're a mom when you start to refer to microbio as "me time!") The kids are well. Summer suits them just fine. Little league t-ball just ended (which is fine by me...it was getting a bit tiresome forcing myself to cheer for the White Sox, Denver's team. Even he was getting a bit worn out of not being a Cub. I actually laughed as I told him "Don't worry, Denver, there is always next year.") Maya is really digging her ballet classes, and Isaiah still cracks us up daily, as he learns more stuff every day!

And of course, my new nephew! I'm so unbelievably thrilled to have him in our family, he is so stinking cute. I loved hearing about his birth from Chris and Christa, who got to be there, both because I already love that kid, and because that is what I am hoping to do when I am done with school in a mere 10 months. As I've pondered his birth over the past few days, there have been a few moments that pulled at the "designated Laurie strings" of my heart. Obviously, because this is the first nephew or niece that she has never met, but also because I thought back to Isaiah's birth, which she was in the room with us for. As Chris and Christa and I talked about it, I wished she was there, too, to remind me again of the crazy stuff I said during labor and delivery, and then laugh in her weird way again.

On that note, I'd like to leave you with a prayer request...three, really. First, go ahead and praise our Father for showing up for our family in such a big way. Thank Him for blessing our socks off when we need it the most. Second, pray for wisdom, for Chris and Christa, as they take on the awesome job that He has given them. Ask Him to bless them so that they can raise this boy up for Him. Lastly, pray for Bailey, the birthmom. I know all too well how these are some of the hardest days of her life. As much as her head knows that she has done an amazing and brave thing, right now, her heart is broken and grieving. Sure, she knows Chris and Christa will be wonderful parents, and that she will have pictures, and letters, and even visits with them, she is still a mother who is grieving the loss of her firstborn. Pray that she will be held close, and comforted. Pray that people around her will love her, and accept her grief as any other grief, and not minimize it. Pray that he will reward her ten-fold for the good she has done...Because this is very, very good.