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Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
"I remember that as a child, I was unusually preoccupied with fears of being kidnapped. It didn't help that my older brother, Aaron, would tell me tales of The Black Van roaming our neighborhood capturing small children. 'The Black Van, Lizzie; you haven't seen it? It's black, and the windows are dark, and it goes really fast. They just slide the door open and bam! they got ya.'
I was a very small child. Loud, but small. People in school called me Little Lizzie. I knew I was easy to grab. When nobody was around, I practiced screaming. [sic]
So anyway, Aaron would always talk about The Black Van, and I had pretty much accepted my probable fate as a kidnappee. I would bug my mom about it all the time.
'What's the plan if I get kidnapped, mom?'
'Don't worry about it' she'd say 'You're not gonna get kidnapped. We're not rich enough.'
'But The Black Van, Mom-it's in our neighborhood. What would you and Daddy do?'
'Lizzie,' she'd assure me, 'it's not gonna happen.'
'But Mom,' I'd nag, 'what would you do if someone wanted a large ransom for me?'
'Daddy would pay it' she'd say.
'MOM! But what if it were a million dollars, Mom? YOU AND DADDY DON'T HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS!'
'Don't worry about it.' she would say.
'NO!' I wanted to discuss these things. 'What would you do, Mom?'
She would sigh and tell me that they would figure out a way, take a big loan from the bank. She promised that all of my aunts and uncles and grandparents would sell their homes and summer homes just to get me back.
It sort of blew me away. I believed her; this impressed me, but I knew that no one in my family would ever feel the same about me, that their sacrifice would make them resent me, and that I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. I would have drained my whole family.
The little thing inside me knew somehow it would all happen, that one day I'd be stolen, and that getting me back would drain everybody around me and give me a guilt that I'd never completely shrug."
-Lizzie Simon, Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D
So that's what I have been thinking about lately... how to be good and grateful to my family and friends. Perhaps find a way to replenish some of what has been drained...
I was a very small child. Loud, but small. People in school called me Little Lizzie. I knew I was easy to grab. When nobody was around, I practiced screaming. [sic]
So anyway, Aaron would always talk about The Black Van, and I had pretty much accepted my probable fate as a kidnappee. I would bug my mom about it all the time.
'What's the plan if I get kidnapped, mom?'
'Don't worry about it' she'd say 'You're not gonna get kidnapped. We're not rich enough.'
'But The Black Van, Mom-it's in our neighborhood. What would you and Daddy do?'
'Lizzie,' she'd assure me, 'it's not gonna happen.'
'But Mom,' I'd nag, 'what would you do if someone wanted a large ransom for me?'
'Daddy would pay it' she'd say.
'MOM! But what if it were a million dollars, Mom? YOU AND DADDY DON'T HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS!'
'Don't worry about it.' she would say.
'NO!' I wanted to discuss these things. 'What would you do, Mom?'
She would sigh and tell me that they would figure out a way, take a big loan from the bank. She promised that all of my aunts and uncles and grandparents would sell their homes and summer homes just to get me back.
It sort of blew me away. I believed her; this impressed me, but I knew that no one in my family would ever feel the same about me, that their sacrifice would make them resent me, and that I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. I would have drained my whole family.
The little thing inside me knew somehow it would all happen, that one day I'd be stolen, and that getting me back would drain everybody around me and give me a guilt that I'd never completely shrug."
-Lizzie Simon, Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D
So that's what I have been thinking about lately... how to be good and grateful to my family and friends. Perhaps find a way to replenish some of what has been drained...
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Happy...
Lots of things make me glad, but not as many things make me happy...
Today, I am happy that I have my kids in the middle of the week. Tommy had something going on tonight, something special enough to give up one of his nights off with the kids, so I got to take them to Elk Grove for RotaryFest. The twins were with Jay's folks, so the big kids and I got to go on rides and play games for a few hours. It was really fun.
Today, I am happy that things are going well in my relationship, despite some rather big hurdles. Jay and I have come quite a long way, and I am really proud of how we are doing.
Today, I am happy that I feel brave enough to share that with friends, family, and strangers alike. It is rather strange to deal with the reactions of others to my relationship with Jay. I can't always put a finger on it, but I often feel like I have to downplay the importance of what is going on there...and that is sad, and dishonest. So today, I'm being straightforward.
Today, I am happy that I got an email from my brother that was so perfectly timed, I can't explain it. Simple, short, and sweet, his words were the exact encouragement I needed at the exact right moment.
Today, I am happy that I have some pretty important friends that offer up the right words to build me, that offer up the time to share with me, that offer up themselves as pictures of grace. SB, JZ, and DB...you mean a lot.
Today, I am happy that my mom is starting to feel better. I has been hard to see her not be herself, so it makes my heart smile to see her up and at 'em again!
Today, I am happy that my stepdad is so freaking cool. Yesterday, he was watching my twins while I went to an appointment, and I had to call on my drive home to say I had a flat tire. Not only did he pack up the kids to come help me, he bought me new tires, too. Now that is kindness above and beyond the call...again.
Today...I am happy.
Whew.
Today, I am happy that I have my kids in the middle of the week. Tommy had something going on tonight, something special enough to give up one of his nights off with the kids, so I got to take them to Elk Grove for RotaryFest. The twins were with Jay's folks, so the big kids and I got to go on rides and play games for a few hours. It was really fun.
Today, I am happy that things are going well in my relationship, despite some rather big hurdles. Jay and I have come quite a long way, and I am really proud of how we are doing.
Today, I am happy that I feel brave enough to share that with friends, family, and strangers alike. It is rather strange to deal with the reactions of others to my relationship with Jay. I can't always put a finger on it, but I often feel like I have to downplay the importance of what is going on there...and that is sad, and dishonest. So today, I'm being straightforward.
Today, I am happy that I got an email from my brother that was so perfectly timed, I can't explain it. Simple, short, and sweet, his words were the exact encouragement I needed at the exact right moment.
Today, I am happy that I have some pretty important friends that offer up the right words to build me, that offer up the time to share with me, that offer up themselves as pictures of grace. SB, JZ, and DB...you mean a lot.
Today, I am happy that my mom is starting to feel better. I has been hard to see her not be herself, so it makes my heart smile to see her up and at 'em again!
Today, I am happy that my stepdad is so freaking cool. Yesterday, he was watching my twins while I went to an appointment, and I had to call on my drive home to say I had a flat tire. Not only did he pack up the kids to come help me, he bought me new tires, too. Now that is kindness above and beyond the call...again.
Today...I am happy.
Whew.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Hey kids...tell your friends!
I hate to be a total spammer here, but, if you read my mom's blog, you know that this winter I made some super cute Cubs carrier covers for the twins. Since then, approximately a million people (give or take a few) have commented, and more than once I have been told to sell them...so I am. I love to sew, and honestly, these things are adorable, so go ahead and check out my new blog designed for the purpose of selling these nifty little custom creations! I realize that the summer months are not the ideal time to be selling double layer fleece covers for baby seats, which is why I am offering a good discount for orders placed now. So do me a favor, and tell your pregnant/new parent friends, or be even cooler, and buy it for them! (Can I mention what a rockstar you'll be with this as your shower gift?!?) Thanks!
http://lilbeanscovers.blogspot.com/
http://lilbeanscovers.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
First steps...
Yep, there were first steps this week, but no, they weren't the babies. (Although the twins did have some very important "firsts" last week...they went to their first Cubs game with Jay and I, and they got their first real food, if you want to count rice cereal as "real food!")
No, I mean first steps in my journey to seek grace, forgiveness, health. I don't know that I can really put a finger on it, but somewhere along the line, I finally decided that I needed to find these things for myself. I have been so wrapped up in penance that I forgot that penance doesn't matter. I could spend a lifetime trying to make up for my mistakes and choices and never move a single step forward. I finally think I am beginning to grasp the idea that I need to go where it counts, in the soul that God gave me, and that is where healing is going to happen. It is never going to happen in these earthly relationships, or these worldly movements to prove myself worthy...as a mother, a daughter, a friend, a partner.
Sure, I need to make peace in these areas, and commit to earning trust again where trust needs to be re-earned, but I cannot expect that there will be a magic moment of forgiveness that will make anything different. I cannot pretend that I can change the past, or that it would even matter if I could.
What I need is to learn to GIVE grace, to GRANT forgiveness, to SEEK health. There are relationships in my life, very important ones, that I feel are worth rescuing, and in order to get there, I am going to have to get to the dirty stuff in me...give myself grace, forgiveness, healthy choices. I will not give up on me, on love, on my kids. There is love, and grace, for sure...
No, I mean first steps in my journey to seek grace, forgiveness, health. I don't know that I can really put a finger on it, but somewhere along the line, I finally decided that I needed to find these things for myself. I have been so wrapped up in penance that I forgot that penance doesn't matter. I could spend a lifetime trying to make up for my mistakes and choices and never move a single step forward. I finally think I am beginning to grasp the idea that I need to go where it counts, in the soul that God gave me, and that is where healing is going to happen. It is never going to happen in these earthly relationships, or these worldly movements to prove myself worthy...as a mother, a daughter, a friend, a partner.
Sure, I need to make peace in these areas, and commit to earning trust again where trust needs to be re-earned, but I cannot expect that there will be a magic moment of forgiveness that will make anything different. I cannot pretend that I can change the past, or that it would even matter if I could.
What I need is to learn to GIVE grace, to GRANT forgiveness, to SEEK health. There are relationships in my life, very important ones, that I feel are worth rescuing, and in order to get there, I am going to have to get to the dirty stuff in me...give myself grace, forgiveness, healthy choices. I will not give up on me, on love, on my kids. There is love, and grace, for sure...
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
Smiley Kylie and Smilin' Rylan!
Victory! As I have learned, it is tricky to get one baby to smile on camera, but getting two at the same time...well, it finally happened today (not once, but twice!) However, the photo itself was not the highlight of my day. Showing to my other 3 kids, and seeing how much they loved it truly was! They are all so good with the babies, and love them so much, it fills my heart to overflowing when I see how excited they are just to make them smile! (Of course, after they saw it, Denver announced that even though we wanted to, we probably shouldn't eat them for dinner, because then we would not be able to take more smiley pictures of them. We then determined that Isaiah is too squishy, he won't be good, Maya is too sweet, so she won't be good, and Denver is too scrawny, so he wouldn't be good. That left only yours truly, but I bargained with them...safe for another day! Yes!)
Friday, March 02, 2007
Love is...
I Will Never Be The Same
Wow. Two years. Back then, I never would have thought it possible to live every day with this sort of ache, but as my big brother pointed out, it turns out, you can survive with a giant hole in your heart.
This morning, I sat down and read some more of Laurie's journals. One, in particular grabbed my heart. A small green journal she started in 2003, with a very specific audience in mind. She wrote it for her future husband, though she had no idea who he would be. For each entry, she would cut out a "Love is..." comic from the Chicago Sun-Times, and write about it, intending to give it to the man she would marry. It simply broke my heart. So much optimism and hope, and love on those pages, but it turns out, in the end, they are now just words written in a small green journal.
I love you, Laurie. I miss you profoundly, and your life and death wraps around my heart every day. I wish I could show you my babies, and let you teach Denver how to burp. I wish you could help Maya put lipstick on, and laugh when Isaiah winks at you and says "hey dollface." I wish you could cry with me right now, and help me get through my broken heart. I wish you could tell me it will be alright...
I wish I could have told you that it would be alright. I wish I could have told you that everything would change, and you would be better. I wish I could have told you that there is such thing as heaven and hell, and we might catch glimpses of them here on earth, and that is part of it all.
I wish I could tell you that having babies hurts, and tivo is awesome, and seriously, The Office is that funny. I wish I could braid your hair, and hear about your friday night, and show you the Cubs car seat covers I made. I wish we could prank call Mom, throw an "I love you" party for Kristin, and eat velveeta straight out of the box. I wish we could play "heart and soul" on the piano together, make heart-shaped meatloaf and other soul-food, and pray diligently for each other's heart and soul. I wish I could hear what you wish...
This is what love is. Love is...cherishing our memories. Love is...choosing not to let you go. Love is...carrying you everywhere I go. Love is... knowing I will never be the same.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Happy Birthday, Mom!
Mom,
Well so far, we've had a day of laughter, and I hope it continues to delight you! (Because once you have had someone come at your nose with pliers and a sharpie, there is nowhere to go but up!) Seriously, happy birthday to one heck of an amazing woman! I love you! You are beautiful!
Well so far, we've had a day of laughter, and I hope it continues to delight you! (Because once you have had someone come at your nose with pliers and a sharpie, there is nowhere to go but up!) Seriously, happy birthday to one heck of an amazing woman! I love you! You are beautiful!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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